Chag Bio:

{{{{{{...... Submitted by Rosco (a.k.a. Mashie Nibblets) ......}}}}}}

Name - Chag (a.k.a. Chagnasty, Cartin' Slabbie, Chagz)
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight - 188 lbs.
Status - Married, 2 children (2 girls) we're positive at least one of them is his.
Occupation - Project Manager
Golf handicap - 15
High School Picture

THE CREATOR: He goes by many names – Chag, the Chagman, Chagnasty, Cartin’ Slabbie, Chagglepuss etc. etc.

Well, well, well, it is finally time to bio the blog creator himself. He loves this World Wide Web shit. Personally, I think it is pure evil. Maybe the worst thing in the world – like black licorice – or even worse, if possible. Essentially I think the WWW is the beginning of the end of all mankind. But who am I to judge? Although, I think the Chief will back me here. He's more afraid of the Internet than I am.

Take a seat fellas as this bio is a bit longer than those blips of fractional paragraphs those other bio's turned out to be. Where was the creativity? Where's the passion? Where is the desire to sit and spend uncharted hours doing something useless and unproductive? I am very surprised that you guys didn't step up with those bio's because when I think of useless and unproductive, I think of you guys. Sorry for getting so sentimental.

Chag is a strange cat. First off, he grew up in a town with a population of 30,000 plus but they all wore beat up jeans, untied work boots, smoked a lot of ganja and loved hockey. You would've thought it was Epping NH in 1957. Eventually, we will get his hometown into the 21st century. It might take until the 28th century but we will get it there.

You can all rest easily at night because our friend Cartin' Slabbie is a smart person and knew he couldn't in good conscience raise a family in that hellhole. So, he picked up and moved to a superior city to the east. As the saying goes. Go east young man.

Chag could easily be considered a phenomenon. At a young age the kid could pluck a fly from flight with a pair of toothpicks dipped in Vaseline. The karate kid had nothing on him. He was and may still be one of the most graceful mother eff-ers I know. Yet, he would stumble over nothing in the middle of the mall and nonchalantly look back wondering what just tripped him. We grew to love this about him as in high school it would happen often.

He was a quiet kid who always managed to get everything he wanted. Think about it, it's true. Even I didn't realize it until I was writing this bio but he is so calm and collected you don't notice the accomplishments. But he has methodically gotten everything he has set his mind to, from cars, to girls, to jobs. You name it. If he wants it, it's a done deal.

FUN AND GAMES:
At a young age Chag was a superior athlete. He excelled in baseball and hockey and could hold his own in all sports, especially the made up ones. By that I mean if you were to make up a game that required someone to 9-iron a cheese puff over the garage, have it roll down the other side of the roof, bounce off the gutter onto the left door of the bulkhead and into the trash can on the other side of the chain link fence and still have at least 75% cheese on it – trust me when I tell you – Cartin' would win this game. He is unfortunately like most of us, all kinds of talent that will never generate any cash flow.

STRENGTH, WEAKNESS AND CHARACTER:
Cartin’ and I met in high school. A prestigious top 100 school in the country – no wait! – the world. That's right, we went to one of the top high schools in the world. What of it? I only mention this to tick off Houda Sludge (a.k.a. The Dancer). He went to some welfare-ridden public school and hates our alma mater. I think it is jealousy. We just wish he had some boys as offspring because he would have sent them to that high school and we would've laid it on thick when that day came. But I digress. What I meant to get into was how Chag and I became friends.

We did not have a lot in common back then besides sports and Stubby. Cartin' was low-key and I was high strung and I might add a bit angry at the world. It was a Napoleon complex that I grew out of (pun intended) but my friends haven't noticed yet because I am still the one who feeds them a does of reality every once in a while to bring them back from the fairy tales they live in. But now there is someone else that shares that burden with me. That's right, Cartin' Slabbie. He is a righteous republican that has many of the same views I do. In other words, he is more right than he is wrong and the fact remains that we (he & I) could run this world much better than say... oh I don’t know, anyone else. Needless to say, we have much more in common these days.

I knew we would become great friends because one day on a routine trip to Cumberland Farms for Yohoo and Yankee Doodles a couple of punks jumped me. There was no good reason. They were just punks. Anyway, while I was rolling around fighting off the idiot who jumped me, Cartin’ was watching my back from the other thugs who were watching the fight. Well, the thugs decided to jump on Chag and he fought them diligently while he was protecting me from more idiots jumping on me. To make a long story short, I know it's too late but I am going to go on anyway, one of the thugs bit Cartin' in the back twice. He needed a tetanus shot so I drove him to the hospital and his parents, lovely people that they are, met us there. His mom rushed in with that worried mom look. I am sure you all know that look well. She ran right by me and into the room where her son was. His father also had a worried dad look but he came right up to me and asked, "How did you guys do in the fight?" I told him that we held our own. His dad was very proud and his smile told me that he thought the experience was worth a tetanus shot. The story doesn't end there although you probably wish it did. The kicker was... drum roll please... He hates needles. The doctor stuck him with the needle and Chag hit the floor. That's right! He fainted. To this day I will never forget his dad's smile about doing well in the fight and his mom's scream as he passed out on the floor. Classic.

SENIOR SERVICE:
Staying on the fainting theme, he had another fainting incident. It all happened at a local Catholic elementary school. Chag, Stubby and I had the privilege of “teaching” there during our senior year in high school. We were in the church helping students prepare for first communion. It was a very hot day and there was no air conditioning. Add in the fact that Cartin' skipped breakfast and it spelled trouble. Next thing you know he is slumped in a chair on the alter making scary snorting sounds. As Stubby and I ran away from him to get help, a priest ran towards him to administer the last rights. I'm not kidding. It was very funny but I guess you probably had to be there. We were afraid to ride in his car for the next few years for fear that he would faint and drive us unknowingly off a bridge.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD:
Chagga has two lovely daughters and a beautiful wife. When the family stands together you would think he has three daughters. I say this not only because his wife looks young but, she is young. How do I know this? 1. I know how old she is and 2. Remember that ELEMENTARY school I mentioned earlier? Well, it turns out that when Chag was “teaching” there during his senior year in high school, his wife was a seventh grader at the school (this is a slight exaggeration, but only slight). I know what you are thinking. You're thinking he is some kind of closet deviant. Well, I will have you know that Stubby and I think the same thing. We have deduced that he picked her out in the seventh grade, tracked her (some may say stalked) until she was old enough (legal age) to ask her out. The fact of the matter is Stubby and I are disgusted by his actions. How could he have such a brilliant plan and not let us in on it? Selfish, just plain selfish.

DO THE MATH:
Slabbie owned a house about 8 years before the rest of us. We all wondered how he could afford it, as we were all broke. Anyway, one day it dawned on us. Chag was never a big clubbing/partying type. On Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights in college and a few years after college he never came out drinking with us. He just didn't like the scene. We accepted his distain of clubbing and kept him as a close friend because... well... because we needed his defensive skills at shortstop for our softball team. It is so hard to find a quality shortstop those days and he was just Cartin' being Cartin'. Anyway, it dawned on us that we probably spent $50 a night three nights a week on drinking and partying. That's $150 a week. Well, times that by 416 weeks (4 years of college and 4 years after college) and you have $150 x 416 weeks, which equals $62,400. That sneaky son of a bitch, that's how he got his house 8 years before the rest of us.

The Chagman is one of the all time grapes (Big Jim line). I truly believe that if he were President of the United States this country would once again become a majestic place marveled by most of the world. Cartin' Slabbie for President 2020. Who's with me?

May God bless all of us and God bless the United States of America.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 4) 6:33pm to 6:34pm (1995)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 2-6) Left the festivities early (Jake 1993 - 1997)