4-Legged Jake:

Heff sent me this picture of Squirrel's new dog. He named him Jake which is a beautiful thing. I'll put a link from Squirrel's bio to this post for easy access to the picture.

Good looking pooch Squirrel - good luck with him. You know what they say dogs can be chick magnets... I'll refrain from making a pithy and/or humorous statement about Heff and why he doesn't have a dog yet but I'm sure you all can think of one on your own.

Heff Bio:

{{{{{{...... Submitted collaboratively by Dancer & Chag ......}}}}}}

Name – Heff (a.k.a. Yardwork, WGA, Heffer, Larry David, Mega-Man, Heff'n Reff’r, SmartRoute)
Jake Status – Co-Founder
Weight – 178 lbs.
Status – Single (and scopin' - not to be confused with scoopin')
Occupation – Sales
Golf handicap – 13 (which, ironically, is the amount of hours he works per week)
High School Picture

Heff is the personification of Jake. He lives his life as if he's still in college with no cares, no worries and zero stress. He’s a man of high morale fiber, literally. WGA has a language all his own which we refer to as Heff-speak.

Here are just a few Heff-speak words that we are all fond of:
Rollin' crib = car
Fetchy = not quite right (combination of fishy & sketchy)
SHUT UP! = What you are saying to me is not believable
Tail = pretty girls
Telephonically = some type of corny reference to telecommunications
Action = pretty girls
“Does something with clothes” = source of paternal income
The Goods = better than average (as in "you're the goods")

Heff is loaded with excuses, some of his classics are: "I've got yardwork to do" (which is how he got the nick-name), "I've got to clean the pool", "I've got a birthday party / christening / communion for one of my nieces" (he must have 10 or 12 of them). Sometimes he'll just hedge his bets and say "I'm not sure if I can make it, I might have something - why, who’s going?" You can just imagine what excuses fly when he doesn’t reach quota... He is single handedly keeping the company that makes 'Wet One's' in business by creating and developing an adult demographic. "It's like taking a mini-shower" he says after a round of golf "very refreshing"! A "Legacy Democrat" which means his family members are all Democrats and consequently he became one basically through osmosis (Some may construe this to be a mild form of brainwashing). Even 20 years of "trying to right the ship" by Chag & Rosco have not helped him see the err of his ways.

RANDOM THOUGHTS WHILE EMPTYING THE DRAWER OF A JAKE MIND:
He is a college football fanatic. He loves naps. He cleans his work van every 8 months. He does not like the sun. He has turned down more tail/action offered to him than Hugh himself. He’s like a walking CVS pharmacy – ask for any medication and he has it – on his person. Aside from being an automatic QB, he’s an exceptional athlete. He loves naps. The man is always appropriately dressed for all occasions. Never let him ride shotgun in your car. Loves the term – dude, scumbag & jerk. He’s extremely squeamish. His ice hockey shifts last only 18 seconds. He loves naps. For a man with no expenses, he never has any money – on his person. Cincinnati – ‘nuff said. He has a certain fondness for a local college, which in fact, he mistakenly claims to be alumni on his resume. He’s an erratic card player. He likes to make sure hotels don’t have bugs. The variety of foods he eats can be counted on one hand. He has struck out swinging in softball (I don’t think he’s ever paid that debt). The man knows traffic. He has no problem dropping the gloves with the ladies. The less flavor the better.

A-D-D:
The man cannot stay in one place for more than 20 consecutive seconds. He's the first one ready to "step out" but once he's out, he's looking to get the hell home. With no wife or children, Heff's time is freed up to nap at all hours of the day and golf whenever the mood strikes him. Speaking of golf, I don't know of anyone who loves golf more than the WGA. If given the choice between playing 18 and drawing his next breath he'd say "just curious, what course?"

FLORIDA:
If he’s not in his ‘rollin' crib’ or a bed, he’s there.

“THE TIE”:
It was a hot steamy June night, circa 1993. There was a slight haze in the air. Or maybe it was in our heads. A few accountants were enjoying some libations on a small open deck at a pub on the waterfront in the city, unsuspecting to the sudden turn of events. Heff was a meandering drunk on a mission. While milking a beer on the deck with other Jakers, Heff took offense to a business man’s tie. It was a fashion faux paux. Actually, it was downright criminal. Heff started out with a stray comment. He then proceeded to heckle this poor gentleman at high decibels. Finally, in utter disgust, he felt the need to take matters into his own hands. Heffer took the man’s tie off! If that wasn’t enough, he then, in one fluid motion, hurled the tie into the water below. No arguments, no fights (no one leaving the scene), just absolute laughter. His friends thought Heff’s actions were hilarious. It was almost surreal.

JAKE RESUME:
A distinguished career – There was the beer mug drop at “Blurgin Dark” that got us kicked out. There was the beer mug drop at Polyester Party Boys that nobody saw. There was the modeling of pink pig boxers in the middle of the marketplace. Last year’s racing title. He’s typically one of the last men standing and always in the middle of the action. No one person is in more Jake Day pictures.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 2) - Tossing the guy's tie in the water at the "Jail Soft" - which, by the way, is the 2nd greatest moment in Jake history (1993)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 12) Tried to drink water for a shot while everyone else had vodka - should have caught a vicious beating for that, by the way (2003)

Stubby Bio:

{{{{{{{{........ Submitted mostly by Rosco ........}}}}}}}}

Name - Stubby Malone (a.k.a. Stubby, The Shovel, Hey you!, Phil, Bob)
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight -180 lbs.
Status - Married, 2 children (1 girl, 1 boy)
Occupation - Something in Sales
Golf handicap - 15
High School Picture

INTRODUCTION:
Extra, extra read all about it! All the girls are mental retarded (I thought that rhymed when I was a kid). That stupid line is something Stubby would never say. He is what you call a ladies man. By that I mean, he would wake up every morning from the age of 14 to 38 and say to himself -self- "what girl am I going to meet today"? And that, my friends is how Stubby and I became great friends. After all, great minds think alike. If only we thought with our minds. Of course, we had other things in common like good looks, charm, intelligence and superior athletic abilities but it was our fondness of and I might be so bold to add, our ability to conquer the fairer sex. I know that right about now Mrs. Stubby is laughing her ass off. But the indisputable facts remain, he was younger, shorter and in worse shape than her, but he still brought home the goods. That's right Hinezy, he had the tools and he had the talent. Welcome to Stubby's bio.

IN THE BEGINNIG AN ONLY CHILD:
Stubby was one of those full-blooded Italian kids that went through puberty at age 6. He was the kind of friend that it was ok to leave alone with your dog, as long as your dog was a male and quick. Stub was and (although he says he has close stepsiblings and cousins) still is an only child. He hates when I bring this up but what are friends for? There have been studies done on ‘only children’ to see if they would have been happier with or without other siblings. Well, Stub always thought he would be happier with a sibling. Not because he was lonely but because he was the ultimate selfish only child and he wanted a sibling so he could blame them for all the shit he did to his poor parents. Yes, another friend of mine that is a selfish bastard. What do I mean you say? I will tell you a story and you be the judge.

SHORT STORY:
One time I was eating over Stub's house. His mom made some nice chicken cutlets. Stub's mom is Italian and she doesn't just make chicken cutlets, she makes NICE chicken cutlets. "Here honey, have some nice cutlets". Anyway, we are chowing away after a long day of wiffleball in his backyard (my lifetime record against him is 2,051 wins and 850 loses) and I look up from my plate to see the stubsta snaggin’ the last piece of ‘nice’ cutlets with his fork. As he lowers it to his plate, my survival instincts of being one of five children kicks in. "Hey! What the hell are you doing!?" He is totally clueless. So I took the liberty of welcoming him into a family with more than one child. "I hope your planning on cutting that bad boy in half". So, he says, "oh, I'm sorry. I never had to share before". Sixteen years old and never had to share before? Spoiled son-of-a-bitch. So that day, he rationalized he would have to share food if he had siblings and he realized being an only child was quite all right by him.

FAMILY:
Stub has a wonderful family. He has the above-mentioned wife and two children. Yes, two children. It is ok for him to be an only child but not good enough for his children. Stub married a stunning girl who was and still is an aerobics instructor. It was one of the requirements he set for his future wife while in college watching Denise Austin tapes. He wore those tapes out as I recall and never lost a pound. I wonder what that was about? Anyway, Hinezy (his wife) was a catch. Good looking, good mother, good singer but not very funny :). Hey, you can't have it all. I know, two shots at his wife already and I can't promise to stop there. If you knew her you’d know she can take it. As a matter of fact, I think she likes it.

KIDS:
I would like to write a lot of funny stuff about his kids because I love them so but there is not much to say. They are two of the best kids ever created. They are smart, well behaved, always up for having fun and good athlete's too. You see it coming right? Here it comes… Ready? Nice work Hinezy! Thank God your genes took over.

GRADE SCHOOL:
Malone was a gifted child in the classroom. In elementary school is was admitted into the “major works program”. They covered up the program by saying it was to challenge the kids that were educationally gifted but what it really was, was a program to get the smart kids away from the riff raff. A snob factory, if you will. And Stubby was a snob. Still is. Well, you were probably part of the riff raff and I will try to make you feel better now. I knew two kids in ‘major works’ and both were lucky to get through college. I will explain Stubby's plight in a moment.

HIGH SCHOOL:
Stub was a stud in high school not only with the women but with guys, faculty and nuns as well. He had and still has the personality to talk a dog off a meat wagon. He makes you think he likes you as he prays for the nearest truck to come along and plow you away. That's why he is performing quite well in the sales industry today.

Stub was a master. He would control a room full of people on jocularity alone. Everyone loved him. The jocks, the smart kids, the dregs, dweebs et al. He never had to worry about the tough kids stuffing him in a locker because he always kept them in stitches. However, he never saw the need to joke me out of one of my many fights. What was up with that? Oh yeah… selfish.

One time we were in a religious class/meeting. Our instructor was a sister/nun. She said God was with us but I noticed he never signed the sign-in sheet. I joke about God because I am very, very religious but all my friends think you have to go to church to be religious. I bet I say more prayers in a week than they do in a month. But I digress. Anyway, we are in this class and being real serious and open in the discussion and Stub as usual is leading the discussion (kiss ass). Somewhere in the middle of class the nun gives an example about friendship and says "my good friend Phil dresses impeccably", referring to Stubby but Phil is not Stubs real name. As I write this I realize it isn't very funny but that day as high schooler's we all lost it like nothing funnier has ever happened in the world. Wow, were we stupid. Not only did Stub have a way with the female faculty but with the male faculty as well. So much so that he almost ended up in the ‘residence’ taking an oral exam if you catch my drift…

Discussion topics: Is Stubby's real name Phil? Was Stubby impeccably dressed and what was he wearing? Why was a nun noticing how a young high school boy is dressed? Was she hot for pupil? Should we be happy it was not a male teacher noticing Stub's dressing ability? Explain.

COLLEGE:
Stubby is a man among men but he would like to be a man among women. It was College that gave him that chance he was looking for. It was the first time since we discovered sex that we were in a classroom with women as we went to an all boys high school. Well let’s just say Stubb's grades plummeted into my comfort zone of a 2.8 GPA. Welcome Stubby. So you are thinking that we would eventually get used to the girls in our class with long crossed legs in short skirts and focus on schoolwork. Well, you would be wrong. We still can't do it to this day. It is who we are and it is why Stubby and I are still great friends. The movie said, "we’ll always have Paris", but Stub and I, "we’ll always have women".

In the end it was not actually the women in class that brought Stub down. It was the women out of class that convinced him that there were better ways to spend his time than at an institute of higher education. Although, as I recall, he did get quite an education. This education undoubtedly helped him close the deal with Mrs. Stubby. And while he was "studying", I was left attending classes and providing him my notes. Essentially, I carried him through 2 years of college and he has not thanked me to this day. Of course, I did bring his GPA way down.

CAREERS:
Stub is in the hardwood flooring industry. He has faired well and makes a decent living. He is one of those cases of "he’s got a day time job, he's doing alright". Guess the song and artist I took that line from. He is not a leader by choice if he wanted to he could be a great one. He just has to conquer those two small hurdles of not liking people and not giving a shit.

Stub started his career in the food industry as most young men do. He was a hell of a bagger and shelf stocker but a funny thing happened on the way to the break room. He forgot to pay for the chips... Oh wait… I mean he stole them and got fired. They interrogated him in the back room but he didn't roll over on anyone. He is a man of character when snitching is involved but stealing was apparently quite appropriate. After his illustrious career in the retail food industry he moved on to become a delivery boy for a pathology company. Pathology is "the medical science concerned with all aspects of disease with an emphasis on the essential nature, causes, and development of abnormal conditions, as well as with the structural and functional changes that result from disease processes." Let me sum his duties up for you. He drove diseased body parts from one doctor's office to another. As this job proved, George Jefferson had nothing on the Stubster. He was moving on up… sing it with me.

He had stints in other industries. He tried his hand as a photographer but quit the second he realized he would never get the Playboy job. He had a seasonal construction gig in college that allowed him to make $20 per hour as a college kid, which was big money in those days. How did he get that job you ask? Good question. Was it his skills? His looks? His work ethic? Nope, nope and nope. Stub has two "uncles" with mob connections. That's how he got it. He denies it to this day and I was never actually able to prove it but the lack of evidence is the reason I knew they were part of "the family". They covered things very well and only took care of their own. Even I, his pseudo brother could not convince them to hook me up with the seasonal high paying, highly converted construction job. They would have owed too much and "favors" are only done for "family"(please say "the family" like Marlon Brando in the Godfather. It adds better effect.) Anyway, I am not sure how they did this and it throws a kink into my accusation of mob ties but they broke ties with "the family" without losing their lives. It was either the fact that the FBI finally cracked down and put most of "the family" away or…. Or…. They are still in "the family!" I knew it!!

REAL FAMILY:
You already know about his wife and kids but Stubb has other family. He has two uncles, two aunts, a mother, a father, a stepmother, three step siblings and according to local legend 4,581 close cousins. But I have been friends with him for over 20 years and I have never met any of his "cousins". For the record, his uncles, Aunts and parents are some of the best people in the world.

CHAG CLOSES:
My arm is tired and I am honored to allow Chag to add his input to Stubby's bio as they are close pals as well. All Jaker's are close. We are... As Stubby would say… "family". Just don't ask for a favor or the last chicken cutlet.

{{{{{{...... In closing, submitted by Chag ......}}}}}}

Thanks Mashie – I’ll keep it brief (how could it be anything but?)

What else is there to say? Except a few things that probably only Stubby and I would appreciate:

Yeah! Just don’t hit me as hard as you hit the gorilla; Banker vs. Gasman; I’m getting a whiff of bowel; The right way to eat a roast beef sandwich; Black max & White lightning; Wait for it!; Scallops wrapped in bacon (oh, wait that was Rosco); You want another? Right there that’s another one pal; I’ll take it!; 5150 & OLG; The ‘quad’; Richie!!!!; Ice T shotgun; Breaking into my own car in order to extricate your drunk ass; The puddles at Zayre's parking lot; on the downstairs couch; I seam to be down to bills and uh...; Smooched a gay kid on New Years Eve (full on the mouth).

I'm sure there's a million more but brief was the goal.

In closing (really), Stubby is one of those cats who you can sit and talk to for hours about everything and nothing all at the same time. Rosco's right, he's a natural sales guy. A quality linkster who likes to bullshit us into believing he doesn't swing'em much and/or he's not a playa. We know better. We know the truth. We know he plays more rounds of golf with clients than Cool Chief has dollars in his pocket.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 2001-2005) Best dressed (Jake 10-14)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 1-14) Never even sniffed the end of Jake (1992-2005)

Chag Bio:

{{{{{{...... Submitted by Rosco (a.k.a. Mashie Nibblets) ......}}}}}}

Name - Chag (a.k.a. Chagnasty, Cartin' Slabbie, Chagz)
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight - 188 lbs.
Status - Married, 2 children (2 girls) we're positive at least one of them is his.
Occupation - Project Manager
Golf handicap - 15
High School Picture

THE CREATOR: He goes by many names – Chag, the Chagman, Chagnasty, Cartin’ Slabbie, Chagglepuss etc. etc.

Well, well, well, it is finally time to bio the blog creator himself. He loves this World Wide Web shit. Personally, I think it is pure evil. Maybe the worst thing in the world – like black licorice – or even worse, if possible. Essentially I think the WWW is the beginning of the end of all mankind. But who am I to judge? Although, I think the Chief will back me here. He's more afraid of the Internet than I am.

Take a seat fellas as this bio is a bit longer than those blips of fractional paragraphs those other bio's turned out to be. Where was the creativity? Where's the passion? Where is the desire to sit and spend uncharted hours doing something useless and unproductive? I am very surprised that you guys didn't step up with those bio's because when I think of useless and unproductive, I think of you guys. Sorry for getting so sentimental.

Chag is a strange cat. First off, he grew up in a town with a population of 30,000 plus but they all wore beat up jeans, untied work boots, smoked a lot of ganja and loved hockey. You would've thought it was Epping NH in 1957. Eventually, we will get his hometown into the 21st century. It might take until the 28th century but we will get it there.

You can all rest easily at night because our friend Cartin' Slabbie is a smart person and knew he couldn't in good conscience raise a family in that hellhole. So, he picked up and moved to a superior city to the east. As the saying goes. Go east young man.

Chag could easily be considered a phenomenon. At a young age the kid could pluck a fly from flight with a pair of toothpicks dipped in Vaseline. The karate kid had nothing on him. He was and may still be one of the most graceful mother eff-ers I know. Yet, he would stumble over nothing in the middle of the mall and nonchalantly look back wondering what just tripped him. We grew to love this about him as in high school it would happen often.

He was a quiet kid who always managed to get everything he wanted. Think about it, it's true. Even I didn't realize it until I was writing this bio but he is so calm and collected you don't notice the accomplishments. But he has methodically gotten everything he has set his mind to, from cars, to girls, to jobs. You name it. If he wants it, it's a done deal.

FUN AND GAMES:
At a young age Chag was a superior athlete. He excelled in baseball and hockey and could hold his own in all sports, especially the made up ones. By that I mean if you were to make up a game that required someone to 9-iron a cheese puff over the garage, have it roll down the other side of the roof, bounce off the gutter onto the left door of the bulkhead and into the trash can on the other side of the chain link fence and still have at least 75% cheese on it – trust me when I tell you – Cartin' would win this game. He is unfortunately like most of us, all kinds of talent that will never generate any cash flow.

STRENGTH, WEAKNESS AND CHARACTER:
Cartin’ and I met in high school. A prestigious top 100 school in the country – no wait! – the world. That's right, we went to one of the top high schools in the world. What of it? I only mention this to tick off Houda Sludge (a.k.a. The Dancer). He went to some welfare-ridden public school and hates our alma mater. I think it is jealousy. We just wish he had some boys as offspring because he would have sent them to that high school and we would've laid it on thick when that day came. But I digress. What I meant to get into was how Chag and I became friends.

We did not have a lot in common back then besides sports and Stubby. Cartin' was low-key and I was high strung and I might add a bit angry at the world. It was a Napoleon complex that I grew out of (pun intended) but my friends haven't noticed yet because I am still the one who feeds them a does of reality every once in a while to bring them back from the fairy tales they live in. But now there is someone else that shares that burden with me. That's right, Cartin' Slabbie. He is a righteous republican that has many of the same views I do. In other words, he is more right than he is wrong and the fact remains that we (he & I) could run this world much better than say... oh I don’t know, anyone else. Needless to say, we have much more in common these days.

I knew we would become great friends because one day on a routine trip to Cumberland Farms for Yohoo and Yankee Doodles a couple of punks jumped me. There was no good reason. They were just punks. Anyway, while I was rolling around fighting off the idiot who jumped me, Cartin’ was watching my back from the other thugs who were watching the fight. Well, the thugs decided to jump on Chag and he fought them diligently while he was protecting me from more idiots jumping on me. To make a long story short, I know it's too late but I am going to go on anyway, one of the thugs bit Cartin' in the back twice. He needed a tetanus shot so I drove him to the hospital and his parents, lovely people that they are, met us there. His mom rushed in with that worried mom look. I am sure you all know that look well. She ran right by me and into the room where her son was. His father also had a worried dad look but he came right up to me and asked, "How did you guys do in the fight?" I told him that we held our own. His dad was very proud and his smile told me that he thought the experience was worth a tetanus shot. The story doesn't end there although you probably wish it did. The kicker was... drum roll please... He hates needles. The doctor stuck him with the needle and Chag hit the floor. That's right! He fainted. To this day I will never forget his dad's smile about doing well in the fight and his mom's scream as he passed out on the floor. Classic.

SENIOR SERVICE:
Staying on the fainting theme, he had another fainting incident. It all happened at a local Catholic elementary school. Chag, Stubby and I had the privilege of “teaching” there during our senior year in high school. We were in the church helping students prepare for first communion. It was a very hot day and there was no air conditioning. Add in the fact that Cartin' skipped breakfast and it spelled trouble. Next thing you know he is slumped in a chair on the alter making scary snorting sounds. As Stubby and I ran away from him to get help, a priest ran towards him to administer the last rights. I'm not kidding. It was very funny but I guess you probably had to be there. We were afraid to ride in his car for the next few years for fear that he would faint and drive us unknowingly off a bridge.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD:
Chagga has two lovely daughters and a beautiful wife. When the family stands together you would think he has three daughters. I say this not only because his wife looks young but, she is young. How do I know this? 1. I know how old she is and 2. Remember that ELEMENTARY school I mentioned earlier? Well, it turns out that when Chag was “teaching” there during his senior year in high school, his wife was a seventh grader at the school (this is a slight exaggeration, but only slight). I know what you are thinking. You're thinking he is some kind of closet deviant. Well, I will have you know that Stubby and I think the same thing. We have deduced that he picked her out in the seventh grade, tracked her (some may say stalked) until she was old enough (legal age) to ask her out. The fact of the matter is Stubby and I are disgusted by his actions. How could he have such a brilliant plan and not let us in on it? Selfish, just plain selfish.

DO THE MATH:
Slabbie owned a house about 8 years before the rest of us. We all wondered how he could afford it, as we were all broke. Anyway, one day it dawned on us. Chag was never a big clubbing/partying type. On Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights in college and a few years after college he never came out drinking with us. He just didn't like the scene. We accepted his distain of clubbing and kept him as a close friend because... well... because we needed his defensive skills at shortstop for our softball team. It is so hard to find a quality shortstop those days and he was just Cartin' being Cartin'. Anyway, it dawned on us that we probably spent $50 a night three nights a week on drinking and partying. That's $150 a week. Well, times that by 416 weeks (4 years of college and 4 years after college) and you have $150 x 416 weeks, which equals $62,400. That sneaky son of a bitch, that's how he got his house 8 years before the rest of us.

The Chagman is one of the all time grapes (Big Jim line). I truly believe that if he were President of the United States this country would once again become a majestic place marveled by most of the world. Cartin' Slabbie for President 2020. Who's with me?

May God bless all of us and God bless the United States of America.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 4) 6:33pm to 6:34pm (1995)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 2-6) Left the festivities early (Jake 1993 - 1997)

TP Bio:

{{{{{{{{........ Submitted by Heff-Cat ........}}}}}}}}

Name – TP (a.k.a. Total Package, KO Kid {Kettle One Kid} Crazy Muscles)
Jake Status – Full Member
Weight – A chiseled 190
Status – Married, 2 children (2 boys)
Occupation – Sales
Golf Handicap – 16

TP –
Tough to find anything you don’t like about the Total Package, hence the name. First thing you will notice about TP is that he always looks like he walked off the pages of a Macy's Sunday sale flyer. To steal a phrase usually associated with Tom Brady, or Brad Pitt can apply to the TP. “Women want to be with him, men want to be him.” Okay that is a little over the top, but it is safe to say the KO Kid has a lot going his way with “Ken doll” looks, easy going fun loving personality and a world class college education. Since he lives in a town 50 miles from “Beantown” the Kettle One Kid does not get in town to hang with the Jake crew as much as he or we would like, but when he does you can count on him to bring some fun to the evening.

JAKE RESUME:
KO is the first and only non founding member to be granted Full Member status. That statement in itself would be enough to fill out his resume, but that would not do him justice. Just to give you an indication of what it takes to go from Jake day participant to Full Member status Pat S, Kevin F, Dave D, Keith K, "Jimmy PC", Carlo, Jeff O, Jeff V and Dave R have all tried and failed to become Jake Associate Members, never mind gaining Full Jake Membership. Just like a young Teddy Ballgame who was destined for stardom from his first game, everybody knew that KO Kid was going to have a long distinguished Jake career.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT(s): (Jake 14/7) Golf Championship team member. Beating his Jake sponsor the Cool Chief Rocker to Full Jake Member status (2005) Not calling his new bride to tell her he will not be coming home his after first Jake Day (1999).

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 7) Not calling his new bride to tell her he will not be coming home his after first Jake Day (1999)

Rosco Bio:

Name - Rosco (a.k.a. Mashie, Mashie Nibblets, Rooster)
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight - 181 lbs.
Status - Married, 2 children (1 boy, 1 girl)
Occupation - State Employee
Golf handicap - 22
High School Picture

Rosco, one of the Founders, is of course a fixture at Jake as well as a regular at the now infamous scum house card games of yore. I'm sure Rooster would agree that it was sports that brought this group of friends together. It didn't matter what sport it was, softball, street hockey, golf, beefball, toss the banana peel into the Fritos bag. At any given moment Rosco could have sports paraphernalia for a minimum of 5 sports in the trunk of his car. An example might be; 1 orange cone, a bald basketball, an empty package of tennis balls, my baseball glove a half eaten Nerf football and perhaps a pair of unmatched cleats. Never enough to have a normal game of any one sport but always enough to make up our own game which we often did.

After he got married Mashie moved to a far off land, closer to where his wife was from. Some might say he sold out and forgot where he came from, his roots, the old neighborhood, the mean streets, the hood, yo. I wouldn't say that's quite accurate because whenever we all try to get together Rosco makes every effort to be there no matter the commute or hardship (unless he's tired). He understands the value and enjoys the therapy that goes along with hanging with the 'philosophers of Jake'.

JAKE RESUME:
One particular Jake Day the Rooster found himself standing on the tee holding the business end of a 3 iron. With a mighty swing his ball happened upon a Canadian Goose (who was innocently walking around the course with his/her young family) striking it directly in the neck. He, and the rest of his 4-some, proceeded to watch the poor bird flop around like Joe Pesci just before he got tossed down the hole in the movie Casino. Rosco was so profoundly affected by this, he decided to take the next couple of holes off to recuperate from this very traumatic and gory scene.

With the geography in mind Rooster is not often the last one standing at Jake (see Dancer or Stalkfleet's bio) but he always fully participates in the earlier goings on. Oh, there have been incidents of public drunkenness/urination sprinkled throughout his vocation but nothing that would match his bachelor party which is still very much apart of urban legend around these parts. He was an integral part of a 3 man team that took the Jake trophy in last years scramble but sadly this team will be disbanded in the future for reasons undisclosed but obvious.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 14) Scramble Champion (2005)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 11) Killing a Canadian Goose with nothing but a golf ball ...going 275 mph...(2002)

Dancer Bio:

{{{{{{{{........ Submitted by Heff-Cat ........}}}}}}}}

Name – Dancer (a.k.a. Dancin' Fool, Houda Sludge)
Jake Status – Co-Founder
Weight – 192 uh hum
Status – Married, 2 children (2 girls)
Occupation – Accounting
Golf Handicap – 36
High School Picture

The Dancer

Solid- that’s what the Dancer is. Whether we are talking about his Jake performances, athletic achievement or music trivia, this is a guy who will not let you down. D is a man who despite his working class upbringing foolishly spends his money on the “finer” things in life, from his exotic car, GQ inspired wardrobe, PGA Tour quality golf equipment to his "tre' shiek" hair stylists, Fredrique.

D is the kind of dog you want in a fox hole. Easy going personality makes D the perfect travel partner. I have not heard him complain about choice of bars/restaurants, ever. Very rarely will you hear the Dancer say he has had enough to drink, not to say he is a booze-hound; it’s just that he is always part of the action.

JAKE RESUME:
Lets us all remember if it were not for D’s scum-house there would not be a “Jake Day” for the Old Granddad emblem emblazed on his fridge will always be Jake. Many guys may rest on the fact that his abode would provide the inspiration for this great day, but not the Dancer. If you were to clock the hours each Jaker has participated throughout the years D would be at the top. You want to find out what time the last drink buzzed the brain, ask D because he was there. Need to know what was the fourth bar we were at on Jake 7 talk to Dancer. With that being said, Dancer has not performed above and beyond expectations. This is not a shot at him, just stating the fact that D Dog has never made himself the center of attention, good, bad or indifferent. That may change this coming Jake.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT(s): (Jake 1-14) One word - Longevity (1992-2005)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: Sorry, none to speak of.

Lt. Stalkfleet Bio:

{{{{{{{{........Submitted by The Dancer........}}}}}}}}
{{{{{{{{........edited only slightly by Chag-dogg........}}}}}}}}

Name – Lt. Stalkfleet (a.k.a. LT, Lieutenant, Stalkfleet)
Jake Status – Founding Member
Weight - 188
Status – Married, 2 children (1 boy, 1 girl)
Occupation – Computer Networking dude
Golf Handicap – 26
High School Picture

The Lieutenant. The man in charge this year.

One must always appreciate a man who loves a fine cigar, which the LT does. The LT is a self-proclaimed do-it-yourselfer. He also is a man who avoids opening the wallet at all costs. Let’s just say that LT would be the type of guy who would offer to drive the boat to save a little cash on a cruise. LT is an accomplished center-man in hockey for the infamous Four Leaf Clovers, but he can’t go left. A deceivingly good golfer when he is on his game. Occasional part-time waiter for the… [actual place edited out – rhymes with Sinkale]. The LT is stuck in the 80’s, in many aspects – he absolutely loves Van Halen, he still wants to go to Montreal every year and, of course, he likes to visit any establishment with “continuous entertainment”.

JAKE RESUME:
The LT is the Viagra elixir for the group. He has tremendous staying power – one of the last men standing every year. Off his feet, the LT has also put on quite a show – the mid-day nap on a concrete bench at the “Wharf” along with the LT kneeling and screaming at the bathroom floor at the… [actual place edited out – rhymes with Jail-Soft] circa JAKE 2, when the LT stepped up and downed his fair share of shots, including the crowd favorite - Jagermeister. The man always seems to be MIA at some point every single Jake Day.

GREAT QUOTE:
Confucius say: “He who shares Busch Light beer with his friends did not necessarily lose his job.”

GREAT JAKE MOMENT(s): (Jake 1 & 2) Impressive drinking performances (1992-93)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 2) The sickness at the “Jail-Soft”. Not pretty (1993)

Dee Bio:

Name - Dee (a.k.a. Snuff or Snuffy)
Jake Status - Junior Member (1 year of his 3 year apprenticeship semi-completed)
Weight - 200 lbs.
Status - Married (I think), children (unknown)
Occupation - He's still bouncing at Stocks right?
Golf handicap - 37

We've all known Dee for it must be 20 years but he's always been more on the periphery of the group for most, if not all, of that time. We'd see him around town or at Jake Day here or there. Before 2005 he had only been what we'd call an "incidental participant" in the days events. This means he'd meet us out in the afternoon and hang till some unspecified time that evening. Last year he asked if he could be part of the entire day beginning with golf in the morning and running through whatever we had planned. The boys were only too glad to have him as our newest "Junior" member. His other nickname is Snuff or Snuffy because his last name rivals the lovable Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street (sans hair). Here's looking forward to Dee's Sophomore year and his sucessfully negotiating the Jake apprenticeship!

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 14) 6:45AM shows up at golf after getting home at 3:30AM the previous night (2005)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 14) Gets dehydrated after racing never to return (2005)
hmmm...

Hub Bio:

Name - Hub (a.k.a. Hub......bird!!)
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight - 205 lbs.
Status - Married, 3 children (3 girls - good heavens)
Occupation - Restaurant/Beverage Manager
Golf handicap - 33
High School Picture

Hub is an easy going cat who would fit real nicely in a Jimmy Buffet song. He's got some great "brush with greatness" stories and always seems to be in the right place at the right time. A self proclaimed beach bum who used to kick it with his open top Wrangler when he lived on "The Island". If you want to know anything about alcohol Hub's your man. From beer & wine to liquers & hard stuff Hub can tell you what's good and what's crap (it's like his superhero power). When it comes to Jake, Hub has had an illustrious career. One of the more memorable moments comes to me from Jake 10 (2001) when he invited a younger chap by the name of Jimmy to join us. Jimmy, being new to the Jake scene, was quick to show us all that he could keep up. He had a youthful exuberance that was unmatched and he proceeded to throw down anything alcoholic he could get his hands on early & often. By 3pm (in a drunken stooper) he was on all fours, crawling out of the restaurant he'd just been tossed out of. Hub was in charge of getting him back to a hotel and once there the guy at the front desk said, "oh no you can't leave him here like that". To which Hub just smiled and said "he's your problem now". The police later picked up ol' Jimmy who has since garnered the nickname "Jimmy PC". We never saw him again and we never got to thank him.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 1) Hub with his Polka-dot shirt in the Jake 1 picture on the green - looking like Squirrel's gay lover (1992)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 10) Jimmy PC - nuff said... (2001)

Doc Bio:

Name - Doc (a.k.a. Doctor or The Doctor)
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight - 165 lbs. real wet
Status - Married, 2 children (1 boy, 1 girl)
Occupation - Contracting / Remodeling
Golf handicap - 19
High School Picture

The Doctor is the out-doorsman of the group. In his spare time (before the recent birth of his son) he competed in triathalons. That's running, swimming & biking all in the same event so suffice to say ol' Doc is/was in the appropriate shape to do this kind of thing. Never much appealed to me to do those 3 things all in a row, unless of course someone's chasing you - but I digress. Doc wasn't afraid to throw back a few exotic drinks in his younger days. I can think of a couple of "incidents" that I won't go into detail about. These days he's mellowed and enjoys a good micro-brew now an again so he can't be all that bad. He's an above average hockey player (relative to the rest of us) as is his wife who dabbled in Olympic hockey not so long ago. The real question is can they keep up the pace of the triathalon running family with the bambino or are the times a-changin'? Doc has missed at least one Jake Day due to living out-of-state (not that this should be an excuse). How did he escape some kind of probation for that?? Anyway, the picture above is during the now famous Jake 1. A nice touch is the photo copy of Jake in the salad bar.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: Consistant contribition through the years.

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 11) Swore he would show, up until the day before Jake and bailed. (2002)

Squirrel Bio:

Name - Squirrel
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight - 190 lbs.
Status - Single, no kids (at the time of this writing)
Pets - His dog Jake!
Occupation - None (used to be in construction)
Golf handicap - 4 (when he plays semi-regularly)
High School Picture

Chag named him Squirrel because he's kind of wiley and sly always darting his eyes around and being keenly aware of his surroundings. He is a natural athlete and a fierce competitor. He contends in all he attempts, be it, hockey, golf, darts, billiards whatever. You'll be hard pressed to beat him and when you do you should be proud of yourself. Squirrel has gone through many "phases" in his life and let's just say his most recent phase has been the most challenging. This picture was taken on Jake Day in 1994 (roughly). Sadly he was saying goodbye and leaving early that year but he's been a consistent contributor to the days festivities and he's about as close as you can get to a Jake purest. He looks like he might have had a few beers there eh? Ah well, at least he's not drivin'!

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (JAKE 1) Squirrel points out that the label of the Old Grand-Dad bottle behind the bar looks exactly like Jake! (1992)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (JAKE 14) No show. (2005)

Cool Chief Bio:

Name - Cool Chief Rocker (a.k.a. Cool Chief, Chiefy or just plain Chief)
Jake Status - Associate Member
Weight - 195 lbs.
Status - Married, 2 kids (girl & boy)
Occupation - Good one (not sure what he does though)
Golf handicap - 32
High School Picture

Chiefy is often times ribbed about the amount of money he makes in a calendar year. He has to re-pave his driveway every 6 months because the brinks truck wears it out backing up to the house on Friday afternoons. Back in the day - when we all used to go clubbing downtown he had an unusual dancing method. You all might refer to it as beating the hell out of anyone that's within 3 feet of you. I'm talkin' elbows a-flyin', yo. He met his wife on our first trip to Montreal. We drove up in my Dad's van with a few cases of beer, a bean bag and a dream. Chief did not show on Jake 1 and has been hearing about it ever since.

{{{{{{......4/10/06 Heff’s addendum of Cool Chief’s bio......}}}}}}

Where do we begin with this “Titan of Technology”? The Cool Chief Rocker is a walking contradiction; when sporting the Brooks Brother’s pinstripes he is hard charging, aggressive and relentless, yet when he is able to schedule a pocket of time to hang with his peeps CC is a very easy going, likable gent who loves to laugh. The famous big wide grin of the Cool Chief Rocker is usually brought on by reminiscing about the “good old days” like when he and Rosco “chewed and screwed” or the time he and D partied with those nice gents from the “all boys town”. Through his business success The Chief has made a boat load of money but he has been saddled with the reputation that he is unwilling to spend it. Not true, we all remember the time bought a round of beers, oh wait that was Hub.

JAKE RESUME:
Give Chief credit, every time you see him on Jake Day he has had a beer in his hand…the problem is that it’s the same beer for all 12 hours. In the early years CC had been vital cog in the creation of Jake Day, whether it was his dominating win in the Chug contest of Jake 7, or his late night performance on the dance floor at Polyesters. Times have changed! The man who had done so much in the early years has become a shadow if his once great self. This is a man who has not caught a buzz on a Jake Day in over six years. What makes this so sad is that Cool Chief Rocker is a guy who could make every Jake Day an event to remember if he were to “unsnap the bra”.

{{{{{{{{........end Heff’s addendum of Cool Chief’s bio........}}}}}}}}

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 12) Cool Chief pays for everyone's breakfast (2003).

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 2 or 3) Falls over drunk {at the aforementioned Polyester’s} as Heff & Dancer look on (1993 or 1994).