Heff Bio:

{{{{{{...... Submitted collaboratively by Dancer & Chag ......}}}}}}

Name – Heff (a.k.a. Yardwork, WGA, Heffer, Larry David, Mega-Man, Heff'n Reff’r, SmartRoute)
Jake Status – Co-Founder
Weight – 178 lbs.
Status – Single (and scopin' - not to be confused with scoopin')
Occupation – Sales
Golf handicap – 13 (which, ironically, is the amount of hours he works per week)
High School Picture

Heff is the personification of Jake. He lives his life as if he's still in college with no cares, no worries and zero stress. He’s a man of high morale fiber, literally. WGA has a language all his own which we refer to as Heff-speak.

Here are just a few Heff-speak words that we are all fond of:
Rollin' crib = car
Fetchy = not quite right (combination of fishy & sketchy)
SHUT UP! = What you are saying to me is not believable
Tail = pretty girls
Telephonically = some type of corny reference to telecommunications
Action = pretty girls
“Does something with clothes” = source of paternal income
The Goods = better than average (as in "you're the goods")

Heff is loaded with excuses, some of his classics are: "I've got yardwork to do" (which is how he got the nick-name), "I've got to clean the pool", "I've got a birthday party / christening / communion for one of my nieces" (he must have 10 or 12 of them). Sometimes he'll just hedge his bets and say "I'm not sure if I can make it, I might have something - why, who’s going?" You can just imagine what excuses fly when he doesn’t reach quota... He is single handedly keeping the company that makes 'Wet One's' in business by creating and developing an adult demographic. "It's like taking a mini-shower" he says after a round of golf "very refreshing"! A "Legacy Democrat" which means his family members are all Democrats and consequently he became one basically through osmosis (Some may construe this to be a mild form of brainwashing). Even 20 years of "trying to right the ship" by Chag & Rosco have not helped him see the err of his ways.

RANDOM THOUGHTS WHILE EMPTYING THE DRAWER OF A JAKE MIND:
He is a college football fanatic. He loves naps. He cleans his work van every 8 months. He does not like the sun. He has turned down more tail/action offered to him than Hugh himself. He’s like a walking CVS pharmacy – ask for any medication and he has it – on his person. Aside from being an automatic QB, he’s an exceptional athlete. He loves naps. The man is always appropriately dressed for all occasions. Never let him ride shotgun in your car. Loves the term – dude, scumbag & jerk. He’s extremely squeamish. His ice hockey shifts last only 18 seconds. He loves naps. For a man with no expenses, he never has any money – on his person. Cincinnati – ‘nuff said. He has a certain fondness for a local college, which in fact, he mistakenly claims to be alumni on his resume. He’s an erratic card player. He likes to make sure hotels don’t have bugs. The variety of foods he eats can be counted on one hand. He has struck out swinging in softball (I don’t think he’s ever paid that debt). The man knows traffic. He has no problem dropping the gloves with the ladies. The less flavor the better.

A-D-D:
The man cannot stay in one place for more than 20 consecutive seconds. He's the first one ready to "step out" but once he's out, he's looking to get the hell home. With no wife or children, Heff's time is freed up to nap at all hours of the day and golf whenever the mood strikes him. Speaking of golf, I don't know of anyone who loves golf more than the WGA. If given the choice between playing 18 and drawing his next breath he'd say "just curious, what course?"

FLORIDA:
If he’s not in his ‘rollin' crib’ or a bed, he’s there.

“THE TIE”:
It was a hot steamy June night, circa 1993. There was a slight haze in the air. Or maybe it was in our heads. A few accountants were enjoying some libations on a small open deck at a pub on the waterfront in the city, unsuspecting to the sudden turn of events. Heff was a meandering drunk on a mission. While milking a beer on the deck with other Jakers, Heff took offense to a business man’s tie. It was a fashion faux paux. Actually, it was downright criminal. Heff started out with a stray comment. He then proceeded to heckle this poor gentleman at high decibels. Finally, in utter disgust, he felt the need to take matters into his own hands. Heffer took the man’s tie off! If that wasn’t enough, he then, in one fluid motion, hurled the tie into the water below. No arguments, no fights (no one leaving the scene), just absolute laughter. His friends thought Heff’s actions were hilarious. It was almost surreal.

JAKE RESUME:
A distinguished career – There was the beer mug drop at “Blurgin Dark” that got us kicked out. There was the beer mug drop at Polyester Party Boys that nobody saw. There was the modeling of pink pig boxers in the middle of the marketplace. Last year’s racing title. He’s typically one of the last men standing and always in the middle of the action. No one person is in more Jake Day pictures.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 2) - Tossing the guy's tie in the water at the "Jail Soft" - which, by the way, is the 2nd greatest moment in Jake history (1993)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 12) Tried to drink water for a shot while everyone else had vodka - should have caught a vicious beating for that, by the way (2003)