Stubby Bio:

{{{{{{{{........ Submitted mostly by Rosco ........}}}}}}}}

Name - Stubby Malone (a.k.a. Stubby, The Shovel, Hey you!, Phil, Bob)
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight -180 lbs.
Status - Married, 2 children (1 girl, 1 boy)
Occupation - Something in Sales
Golf handicap - 15
High School Picture

INTRODUCTION:
Extra, extra read all about it! All the girls are mental retarded (I thought that rhymed when I was a kid). That stupid line is something Stubby would never say. He is what you call a ladies man. By that I mean, he would wake up every morning from the age of 14 to 38 and say to himself -self- "what girl am I going to meet today"? And that, my friends is how Stubby and I became great friends. After all, great minds think alike. If only we thought with our minds. Of course, we had other things in common like good looks, charm, intelligence and superior athletic abilities but it was our fondness of and I might be so bold to add, our ability to conquer the fairer sex. I know that right about now Mrs. Stubby is laughing her ass off. But the indisputable facts remain, he was younger, shorter and in worse shape than her, but he still brought home the goods. That's right Hinezy, he had the tools and he had the talent. Welcome to Stubby's bio.

IN THE BEGINNIG AN ONLY CHILD:
Stubby was one of those full-blooded Italian kids that went through puberty at age 6. He was the kind of friend that it was ok to leave alone with your dog, as long as your dog was a male and quick. Stub was and (although he says he has close stepsiblings and cousins) still is an only child. He hates when I bring this up but what are friends for? There have been studies done on ‘only children’ to see if they would have been happier with or without other siblings. Well, Stub always thought he would be happier with a sibling. Not because he was lonely but because he was the ultimate selfish only child and he wanted a sibling so he could blame them for all the shit he did to his poor parents. Yes, another friend of mine that is a selfish bastard. What do I mean you say? I will tell you a story and you be the judge.

SHORT STORY:
One time I was eating over Stub's house. His mom made some nice chicken cutlets. Stub's mom is Italian and she doesn't just make chicken cutlets, she makes NICE chicken cutlets. "Here honey, have some nice cutlets". Anyway, we are chowing away after a long day of wiffleball in his backyard (my lifetime record against him is 2,051 wins and 850 loses) and I look up from my plate to see the stubsta snaggin’ the last piece of ‘nice’ cutlets with his fork. As he lowers it to his plate, my survival instincts of being one of five children kicks in. "Hey! What the hell are you doing!?" He is totally clueless. So I took the liberty of welcoming him into a family with more than one child. "I hope your planning on cutting that bad boy in half". So, he says, "oh, I'm sorry. I never had to share before". Sixteen years old and never had to share before? Spoiled son-of-a-bitch. So that day, he rationalized he would have to share food if he had siblings and he realized being an only child was quite all right by him.

FAMILY:
Stub has a wonderful family. He has the above-mentioned wife and two children. Yes, two children. It is ok for him to be an only child but not good enough for his children. Stub married a stunning girl who was and still is an aerobics instructor. It was one of the requirements he set for his future wife while in college watching Denise Austin tapes. He wore those tapes out as I recall and never lost a pound. I wonder what that was about? Anyway, Hinezy (his wife) was a catch. Good looking, good mother, good singer but not very funny :). Hey, you can't have it all. I know, two shots at his wife already and I can't promise to stop there. If you knew her you’d know she can take it. As a matter of fact, I think she likes it.

KIDS:
I would like to write a lot of funny stuff about his kids because I love them so but there is not much to say. They are two of the best kids ever created. They are smart, well behaved, always up for having fun and good athlete's too. You see it coming right? Here it comes… Ready? Nice work Hinezy! Thank God your genes took over.

GRADE SCHOOL:
Malone was a gifted child in the classroom. In elementary school is was admitted into the “major works program”. They covered up the program by saying it was to challenge the kids that were educationally gifted but what it really was, was a program to get the smart kids away from the riff raff. A snob factory, if you will. And Stubby was a snob. Still is. Well, you were probably part of the riff raff and I will try to make you feel better now. I knew two kids in ‘major works’ and both were lucky to get through college. I will explain Stubby's plight in a moment.

HIGH SCHOOL:
Stub was a stud in high school not only with the women but with guys, faculty and nuns as well. He had and still has the personality to talk a dog off a meat wagon. He makes you think he likes you as he prays for the nearest truck to come along and plow you away. That's why he is performing quite well in the sales industry today.

Stub was a master. He would control a room full of people on jocularity alone. Everyone loved him. The jocks, the smart kids, the dregs, dweebs et al. He never had to worry about the tough kids stuffing him in a locker because he always kept them in stitches. However, he never saw the need to joke me out of one of my many fights. What was up with that? Oh yeah… selfish.

One time we were in a religious class/meeting. Our instructor was a sister/nun. She said God was with us but I noticed he never signed the sign-in sheet. I joke about God because I am very, very religious but all my friends think you have to go to church to be religious. I bet I say more prayers in a week than they do in a month. But I digress. Anyway, we are in this class and being real serious and open in the discussion and Stub as usual is leading the discussion (kiss ass). Somewhere in the middle of class the nun gives an example about friendship and says "my good friend Phil dresses impeccably", referring to Stubby but Phil is not Stubs real name. As I write this I realize it isn't very funny but that day as high schooler's we all lost it like nothing funnier has ever happened in the world. Wow, were we stupid. Not only did Stub have a way with the female faculty but with the male faculty as well. So much so that he almost ended up in the ‘residence’ taking an oral exam if you catch my drift…

Discussion topics: Is Stubby's real name Phil? Was Stubby impeccably dressed and what was he wearing? Why was a nun noticing how a young high school boy is dressed? Was she hot for pupil? Should we be happy it was not a male teacher noticing Stub's dressing ability? Explain.

COLLEGE:
Stubby is a man among men but he would like to be a man among women. It was College that gave him that chance he was looking for. It was the first time since we discovered sex that we were in a classroom with women as we went to an all boys high school. Well let’s just say Stubb's grades plummeted into my comfort zone of a 2.8 GPA. Welcome Stubby. So you are thinking that we would eventually get used to the girls in our class with long crossed legs in short skirts and focus on schoolwork. Well, you would be wrong. We still can't do it to this day. It is who we are and it is why Stubby and I are still great friends. The movie said, "we’ll always have Paris", but Stub and I, "we’ll always have women".

In the end it was not actually the women in class that brought Stub down. It was the women out of class that convinced him that there were better ways to spend his time than at an institute of higher education. Although, as I recall, he did get quite an education. This education undoubtedly helped him close the deal with Mrs. Stubby. And while he was "studying", I was left attending classes and providing him my notes. Essentially, I carried him through 2 years of college and he has not thanked me to this day. Of course, I did bring his GPA way down.

CAREERS:
Stub is in the hardwood flooring industry. He has faired well and makes a decent living. He is one of those cases of "he’s got a day time job, he's doing alright". Guess the song and artist I took that line from. He is not a leader by choice if he wanted to he could be a great one. He just has to conquer those two small hurdles of not liking people and not giving a shit.

Stub started his career in the food industry as most young men do. He was a hell of a bagger and shelf stocker but a funny thing happened on the way to the break room. He forgot to pay for the chips... Oh wait… I mean he stole them and got fired. They interrogated him in the back room but he didn't roll over on anyone. He is a man of character when snitching is involved but stealing was apparently quite appropriate. After his illustrious career in the retail food industry he moved on to become a delivery boy for a pathology company. Pathology is "the medical science concerned with all aspects of disease with an emphasis on the essential nature, causes, and development of abnormal conditions, as well as with the structural and functional changes that result from disease processes." Let me sum his duties up for you. He drove diseased body parts from one doctor's office to another. As this job proved, George Jefferson had nothing on the Stubster. He was moving on up… sing it with me.

He had stints in other industries. He tried his hand as a photographer but quit the second he realized he would never get the Playboy job. He had a seasonal construction gig in college that allowed him to make $20 per hour as a college kid, which was big money in those days. How did he get that job you ask? Good question. Was it his skills? His looks? His work ethic? Nope, nope and nope. Stub has two "uncles" with mob connections. That's how he got it. He denies it to this day and I was never actually able to prove it but the lack of evidence is the reason I knew they were part of "the family". They covered things very well and only took care of their own. Even I, his pseudo brother could not convince them to hook me up with the seasonal high paying, highly converted construction job. They would have owed too much and "favors" are only done for "family"(please say "the family" like Marlon Brando in the Godfather. It adds better effect.) Anyway, I am not sure how they did this and it throws a kink into my accusation of mob ties but they broke ties with "the family" without losing their lives. It was either the fact that the FBI finally cracked down and put most of "the family" away or…. Or…. They are still in "the family!" I knew it!!

REAL FAMILY:
You already know about his wife and kids but Stubb has other family. He has two uncles, two aunts, a mother, a father, a stepmother, three step siblings and according to local legend 4,581 close cousins. But I have been friends with him for over 20 years and I have never met any of his "cousins". For the record, his uncles, Aunts and parents are some of the best people in the world.

CHAG CLOSES:
My arm is tired and I am honored to allow Chag to add his input to Stubby's bio as they are close pals as well. All Jaker's are close. We are... As Stubby would say… "family". Just don't ask for a favor or the last chicken cutlet.

{{{{{{...... In closing, submitted by Chag ......}}}}}}

Thanks Mashie – I’ll keep it brief (how could it be anything but?)

What else is there to say? Except a few things that probably only Stubby and I would appreciate:

Yeah! Just don’t hit me as hard as you hit the gorilla; Banker vs. Gasman; I’m getting a whiff of bowel; The right way to eat a roast beef sandwich; Black max & White lightning; Wait for it!; Scallops wrapped in bacon (oh, wait that was Rosco); You want another? Right there that’s another one pal; I’ll take it!; 5150 & OLG; The ‘quad’; Richie!!!!; Ice T shotgun; Breaking into my own car in order to extricate your drunk ass; The puddles at Zayre's parking lot; on the downstairs couch; I seam to be down to bills and uh...; Smooched a gay kid on New Years Eve (full on the mouth).

I'm sure there's a million more but brief was the goal.

In closing (really), Stubby is one of those cats who you can sit and talk to for hours about everything and nothing all at the same time. Rosco's right, he's a natural sales guy. A quality linkster who likes to bullshit us into believing he doesn't swing'em much and/or he's not a playa. We know better. We know the truth. We know he plays more rounds of golf with clients than Cool Chief has dollars in his pocket.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 2001-2005) Best dressed (Jake 10-14)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 1-14) Never even sniffed the end of Jake (1992-2005)