Chag Bio:

{{{{{{...... Submitted by Rosco (a.k.a. Mashie Nibblets) ......}}}}}}

Name - Chag (a.k.a. Chagnasty, Cartin' Slabbie, Chagz)
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight - 188 lbs.
Status - Married, 2 children (2 girls) we're positive at least one of them is his.
Occupation - Project Manager
Golf handicap - 15
High School Picture

THE CREATOR: He goes by many names – Chag, the Chagman, Chagnasty, Cartin’ Slabbie, Chagglepuss etc. etc.

Well, well, well, it is finally time to bio the blog creator himself. He loves this World Wide Web shit. Personally, I think it is pure evil. Maybe the worst thing in the world – like black licorice – or even worse, if possible. Essentially I think the WWW is the beginning of the end of all mankind. But who am I to judge? Although, I think the Chief will back me here. He's more afraid of the Internet than I am.

Take a seat fellas as this bio is a bit longer than those blips of fractional paragraphs those other bio's turned out to be. Where was the creativity? Where's the passion? Where is the desire to sit and spend uncharted hours doing something useless and unproductive? I am very surprised that you guys didn't step up with those bio's because when I think of useless and unproductive, I think of you guys. Sorry for getting so sentimental.

Chag is a strange cat. First off, he grew up in a town with a population of 30,000 plus but they all wore beat up jeans, untied work boots, smoked a lot of ganja and loved hockey. You would've thought it was Epping NH in 1957. Eventually, we will get his hometown into the 21st century. It might take until the 28th century but we will get it there.

You can all rest easily at night because our friend Cartin' Slabbie is a smart person and knew he couldn't in good conscience raise a family in that hellhole. So, he picked up and moved to a superior city to the east. As the saying goes. Go east young man.

Chag could easily be considered a phenomenon. At a young age the kid could pluck a fly from flight with a pair of toothpicks dipped in Vaseline. The karate kid had nothing on him. He was and may still be one of the most graceful mother eff-ers I know. Yet, he would stumble over nothing in the middle of the mall and nonchalantly look back wondering what just tripped him. We grew to love this about him as in high school it would happen often.

He was a quiet kid who always managed to get everything he wanted. Think about it, it's true. Even I didn't realize it until I was writing this bio but he is so calm and collected you don't notice the accomplishments. But he has methodically gotten everything he has set his mind to, from cars, to girls, to jobs. You name it. If he wants it, it's a done deal.

FUN AND GAMES:
At a young age Chag was a superior athlete. He excelled in baseball and hockey and could hold his own in all sports, especially the made up ones. By that I mean if you were to make up a game that required someone to 9-iron a cheese puff over the garage, have it roll down the other side of the roof, bounce off the gutter onto the left door of the bulkhead and into the trash can on the other side of the chain link fence and still have at least 75% cheese on it – trust me when I tell you – Cartin' would win this game. He is unfortunately like most of us, all kinds of talent that will never generate any cash flow.

STRENGTH, WEAKNESS AND CHARACTER:
Cartin’ and I met in high school. A prestigious top 100 school in the country – no wait! – the world. That's right, we went to one of the top high schools in the world. What of it? I only mention this to tick off Houda Sludge (a.k.a. The Dancer). He went to some welfare-ridden public school and hates our alma mater. I think it is jealousy. We just wish he had some boys as offspring because he would have sent them to that high school and we would've laid it on thick when that day came. But I digress. What I meant to get into was how Chag and I became friends.

We did not have a lot in common back then besides sports and Stubby. Cartin' was low-key and I was high strung and I might add a bit angry at the world. It was a Napoleon complex that I grew out of (pun intended) but my friends haven't noticed yet because I am still the one who feeds them a does of reality every once in a while to bring them back from the fairy tales they live in. But now there is someone else that shares that burden with me. That's right, Cartin' Slabbie. He is a righteous republican that has many of the same views I do. In other words, he is more right than he is wrong and the fact remains that we (he & I) could run this world much better than say... oh I don’t know, anyone else. Needless to say, we have much more in common these days.

I knew we would become great friends because one day on a routine trip to Cumberland Farms for Yohoo and Yankee Doodles a couple of punks jumped me. There was no good reason. They were just punks. Anyway, while I was rolling around fighting off the idiot who jumped me, Cartin’ was watching my back from the other thugs who were watching the fight. Well, the thugs decided to jump on Chag and he fought them diligently while he was protecting me from more idiots jumping on me. To make a long story short, I know it's too late but I am going to go on anyway, one of the thugs bit Cartin' in the back twice. He needed a tetanus shot so I drove him to the hospital and his parents, lovely people that they are, met us there. His mom rushed in with that worried mom look. I am sure you all know that look well. She ran right by me and into the room where her son was. His father also had a worried dad look but he came right up to me and asked, "How did you guys do in the fight?" I told him that we held our own. His dad was very proud and his smile told me that he thought the experience was worth a tetanus shot. The story doesn't end there although you probably wish it did. The kicker was... drum roll please... He hates needles. The doctor stuck him with the needle and Chag hit the floor. That's right! He fainted. To this day I will never forget his dad's smile about doing well in the fight and his mom's scream as he passed out on the floor. Classic.

SENIOR SERVICE:
Staying on the fainting theme, he had another fainting incident. It all happened at a local Catholic elementary school. Chag, Stubby and I had the privilege of “teaching” there during our senior year in high school. We were in the church helping students prepare for first communion. It was a very hot day and there was no air conditioning. Add in the fact that Cartin' skipped breakfast and it spelled trouble. Next thing you know he is slumped in a chair on the alter making scary snorting sounds. As Stubby and I ran away from him to get help, a priest ran towards him to administer the last rights. I'm not kidding. It was very funny but I guess you probably had to be there. We were afraid to ride in his car for the next few years for fear that he would faint and drive us unknowingly off a bridge.

PLANNED PARENTHOOD:
Chagga has two lovely daughters and a beautiful wife. When the family stands together you would think he has three daughters. I say this not only because his wife looks young but, she is young. How do I know this? 1. I know how old she is and 2. Remember that ELEMENTARY school I mentioned earlier? Well, it turns out that when Chag was “teaching” there during his senior year in high school, his wife was a seventh grader at the school (this is a slight exaggeration, but only slight). I know what you are thinking. You're thinking he is some kind of closet deviant. Well, I will have you know that Stubby and I think the same thing. We have deduced that he picked her out in the seventh grade, tracked her (some may say stalked) until she was old enough (legal age) to ask her out. The fact of the matter is Stubby and I are disgusted by his actions. How could he have such a brilliant plan and not let us in on it? Selfish, just plain selfish.

DO THE MATH:
Slabbie owned a house about 8 years before the rest of us. We all wondered how he could afford it, as we were all broke. Anyway, one day it dawned on us. Chag was never a big clubbing/partying type. On Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights in college and a few years after college he never came out drinking with us. He just didn't like the scene. We accepted his distain of clubbing and kept him as a close friend because... well... because we needed his defensive skills at shortstop for our softball team. It is so hard to find a quality shortstop those days and he was just Cartin' being Cartin'. Anyway, it dawned on us that we probably spent $50 a night three nights a week on drinking and partying. That's $150 a week. Well, times that by 416 weeks (4 years of college and 4 years after college) and you have $150 x 416 weeks, which equals $62,400. That sneaky son of a bitch, that's how he got his house 8 years before the rest of us.

The Chagman is one of the all time grapes (Big Jim line). I truly believe that if he were President of the United States this country would once again become a majestic place marveled by most of the world. Cartin' Slabbie for President 2020. Who's with me?

May God bless all of us and God bless the United States of America.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 4) 6:33pm to 6:34pm (1995)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 2-6) Left the festivities early (Jake 1993 - 1997)

Happy Birthday Doc:

Big birthday wishes going out to the Doctor today. Not only that but it's Arbor Day so I'm sure he's out planting trees. Anyone who can hit a 6-iron 210 yards is okay in my book.

3-club & Trophy update:

A fun time was had by all at the 3-club tournament.

Results are as follows:
Rosco, Stubby, "Kramer" & "Mr. Personality" -5
(Team Jake) Chag, Heff, Doc, Dancer -4

Hey Heff, good thing we negotiated those 2 strokes prior to tee off and beat those heathen bastards. Hooray for Team Jake!!!

The trophy pass off went according to plan. As you can see Rosco now has it in his possession where it will remain until Jake 15 or June 2nd which ever comes first.

Teams for 2006 Scramble:

After a brief committee meeting, the teams for this year's scramble will be as follows:

Team #1 Squirrel & Dee (Snuff)
Team #2 Heff & Dancer
Team #3 Stubby & Hub
Team #4 Chag & Chief
Team #5 Doc & Stalkfleet
Team #6 Rosco & TP

This is a perfect 12 cats (3 4-somes). If there are additional people who want to join us for golf, here are the 4 possible scenarios - provided everyone on the above teams shows up;

A. 1 additional person - he decides whether he wants to play alone (or be paired up with unknowns) at the end of the group and play his own ball (not in the scramble).

B. 2 additional people - they play together and based on additional factors (to be discussed by the founders) may be allowed to pair up and compete for the trophy.

C. 3 additional people - they play together at the end and are not allowed to participate in the scramble. They will instead play their own ball.

D. 4 additional people - same as #2 but double it. Pair them up based on ability and decide if they can compete for the trophy.

I’m trying to be fair to everyone while giving preference to "members" and not breaking up the continuity of the teams.

Questions, comments, concerns?...

CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES

TP Bio:

{{{{{{{{........ Submitted by Heff-Cat ........}}}}}}}}

Name – TP (a.k.a. Total Package, KO Kid {Kettle One Kid} Crazy Muscles)
Jake Status – Full Member
Weight – A chiseled 190
Status – Married, 2 children (2 boys)
Occupation – Sales
Golf Handicap – 16

TP –
Tough to find anything you don’t like about the Total Package, hence the name. First thing you will notice about TP is that he always looks like he walked off the pages of a Macy's Sunday sale flyer. To steal a phrase usually associated with Tom Brady, or Brad Pitt can apply to the TP. “Women want to be with him, men want to be him.” Okay that is a little over the top, but it is safe to say the KO Kid has a lot going his way with “Ken doll” looks, easy going fun loving personality and a world class college education. Since he lives in a town 50 miles from “Beantown” the Kettle One Kid does not get in town to hang with the Jake crew as much as he or we would like, but when he does you can count on him to bring some fun to the evening.

JAKE RESUME:
KO is the first and only non founding member to be granted Full Member status. That statement in itself would be enough to fill out his resume, but that would not do him justice. Just to give you an indication of what it takes to go from Jake day participant to Full Member status Pat S, Kevin F, Dave D, Keith K, "Jimmy PC", Carlo, Jeff O, Jeff V and Dave R have all tried and failed to become Jake Associate Members, never mind gaining Full Jake Membership. Just like a young Teddy Ballgame who was destined for stardom from his first game, everybody knew that KO Kid was going to have a long distinguished Jake career.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT(s): (Jake 14/7) Golf Championship team member. Beating his Jake sponsor the Cool Chief Rocker to Full Jake Member status (2005) Not calling his new bride to tell her he will not be coming home his after first Jake Day (1999).

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 7) Not calling his new bride to tell her he will not be coming home his after first Jake Day (1999)

JAKE DAY 2006 and some housekeeping items:

Ladies and Gentlemen,

The date for Jake Day has been set for June 2nd.

You may now begin requesting vacation days, formulating your "call-in-sick" stories, or in the case of Stubby or Heff, continue with your normal business day.

Also,
This Sunday is the big 3-club tournament and Team Jake (Heff, Chag, Dancer & Doc) will be looking for strokes from Rosco, Stubby and their 2 ringers.

The trophy will also be given to Rosco on Sunday so he can enjoy it with his family for a short period of time before me and my partner win it on June 2nd. TP, sadly, is going to get shafted out of keeping the trophy for himself unless Rosco finds a way to get it to him prior to Jake Day (this is a long shot at best). Speaking of partners, this will need to be discussed as well. I understand Stalkfleet's co-worker will not be joining us so we have a perfect 12 Jakers which should make for some great competition (as long as Squirrel doesn’t shoot lights out).

That’s what he thinks…

Back row: Snuff, Stubby, Doc, Rosco, Dancer, Stalkfleet & Hub
Front row: TP, Cool Chief, Heff & Chag

Here’s a shot of all the Jakers who attended last year (Squirrel is the only one missing). We did some racing after golf and sweated our balls off. It was the first time we did something other than golf and then drink on Jake Day and it worked out well (with the exception of our balls coming off as a result of the sweat).

Stalkfleet’s finding out what it’s like to be the coordinator. That my friends is sweet justice.

Jake Trinket's:

Here we have some Jake Day collectables from 1998 & 2001 (Jake 7 & Jake 10 respectively). I believe Doc had the tee's done as he ran Jake 7 and Heff did the balls and coordinated #10.

Last year Cool Chief did t-shirts for everyone with this cat on them...

Good stuff eh? Who is he? No idea - but he reminds me a little of "Blue" from the movie Old School. Anyway whoever he is, he's now apart of Jake history.

It'd be nice to know when Jake Day is this year hmmm?
Stalkfleet?
Would you enlighten us when you get a moment?

WHAT IT TAKES TO BE #1

{{{{{{......best locker room speech ever......}}}}}}

"Winning is not a sometime thing; it's an all the time thing. You don't win once in a while; you don't do things right once in a while; you do them right all the time. Winning is a habit. Unfortunately, so is losing.

There is no room for second place. There is only one place in my game, and that's first place. I have finished second twice in my time at Green Bay, and I don't ever want to finish second again. There is a second place bowl game, but it is a game for losers played by losers. It is and always has been an American zeal to be first in anything we do, and to win, and to win, and to win.

Every time a football player goes to play his trade he's got to play from the ground up-from the soles of his feet right up to his head. Every inch of him has to play. Some guys play with their heads. That's O.K. You've got to be smart to be number one in any business. But more importantly, you've got to play with your heart, with every fiber of your body. If you're lucky enough to find a guy with a lot of head and a lot of heart, he's never going to come off the field second.

Running a football team is no different than running any other kind of organization-an army, a political party or a business. The principles are the same. The object is to win-to beat the other guy. Maybe that sounds hard or cruel. I don't think it is.

It is a reality of life that men are competitive and the most competitive games draw the most competitive men. That's why they are there-to compete. To know the rules and objectives when they get in the game. The object is to win fairly, squarely, by the rules-but to win.

And in truth, I've never known a man worth his salt who in the long run, deep down in his heart, didn't appreciate the grind, the discipline. There is something in good men that really yearns for discipline and the harsh reality of head to head combat.

I don't say these things because I believe in the "brute" nature of man or that men must be brutalized to be combative. I believe in God, and I believe in human decency. But I firmly believe that any man's finest hour, the greatest fulfillment of all that he holds dear, is that moment when he has worked his heart out in a good cause and lies exhausted on the field of battle - victorious."

~Vince Lombardi

Someday...(?)

Well I turned 38 recently and one of many things that gnaws at me is my stated goal of wanting to break 80 before I turn 40. This gives me almost 2 years by my math. It's a difficult thing to do given the fact that the game of golf is complex, tricky, hard (not easy), complicated, thorny, and intricate. Couple this with the fact that I can suck at it about as well as the next guy and this makes for one frustrating-ass goal. I have come close twice (82) and last year I even put 2 consecutive and alternating 9 hole rounds together (on different frickin' days) that added up to something sub-80. I know it doesn't count but it's something dammit. I'm running out of time here boys. Any help would be appreciated.

"You run & you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking..."
~Pink Floyd

Heff's addendum to Cool Chief's Bio:

The Heff-Cat did a bit of writing this weekend and provided some additional stuff for Cool Chief's bio. You can take a look at that by clicking the "Cool Chief Bio" thingy in the links section to the right. Or if you're really lazy you can just click here.

Rosco Bio:

Name - Rosco (a.k.a. Mashie, Mashie Nibblets, Rooster)
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight - 181 lbs.
Status - Married, 2 children (1 boy, 1 girl)
Occupation - State Employee
Golf handicap - 22
High School Picture

Rosco, one of the Founders, is of course a fixture at Jake as well as a regular at the now infamous scum house card games of yore. I'm sure Rooster would agree that it was sports that brought this group of friends together. It didn't matter what sport it was, softball, street hockey, golf, beefball, toss the banana peel into the Fritos bag. At any given moment Rosco could have sports paraphernalia for a minimum of 5 sports in the trunk of his car. An example might be; 1 orange cone, a bald basketball, an empty package of tennis balls, my baseball glove a half eaten Nerf football and perhaps a pair of unmatched cleats. Never enough to have a normal game of any one sport but always enough to make up our own game which we often did.

After he got married Mashie moved to a far off land, closer to where his wife was from. Some might say he sold out and forgot where he came from, his roots, the old neighborhood, the mean streets, the hood, yo. I wouldn't say that's quite accurate because whenever we all try to get together Rosco makes every effort to be there no matter the commute or hardship (unless he's tired). He understands the value and enjoys the therapy that goes along with hanging with the 'philosophers of Jake'.

JAKE RESUME:
One particular Jake Day the Rooster found himself standing on the tee holding the business end of a 3 iron. With a mighty swing his ball happened upon a Canadian Goose (who was innocently walking around the course with his/her young family) striking it directly in the neck. He, and the rest of his 4-some, proceeded to watch the poor bird flop around like Joe Pesci just before he got tossed down the hole in the movie Casino. Rosco was so profoundly affected by this, he decided to take the next couple of holes off to recuperate from this very traumatic and gory scene.

With the geography in mind Rooster is not often the last one standing at Jake (see Dancer or Stalkfleet's bio) but he always fully participates in the earlier goings on. Oh, there have been incidents of public drunkenness/urination sprinkled throughout his vocation but nothing that would match his bachelor party which is still very much apart of urban legend around these parts. He was an integral part of a 3 man team that took the Jake trophy in last years scramble but sadly this team will be disbanded in the future for reasons undisclosed but obvious.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 14) Scramble Champion (2005)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 11) Killing a Canadian Goose with nothing but a golf ball ...going 275 mph...(2002)

Lightning in a bottle:

When we were younger we played some softball. Actually we played a lot of softball. We were good and we won our share of championships. Those were some good times.

I still smile when I think of the first team me, Rosco, Heff & Stubby were on (The Chief's). Our coach was one of those "softball is my life" kind of guys. He actually invited the whole team to his wedding where (I think after they cut the cake) he grabbed the mic and thanked "his boys - The Chief's" for being there on his special day. That my friends was a beautiful moment.

The picture above was taken when we were a little older and running our own team. We won the championship that year as you can see by the trophy. There were also some guys on that team who have dipped their toes into the Jake pool on occasion. We like to call them "incidental participants" and some of them faired better than others in their escapades but always had fun.

This is a tip of the hat to 1997, a great year to be a Jaker.

When is enough enough?

Lots and lots of pro-illegal immigration scumbags took to the streets recently to protest U.S. policies regarding illegals here in our country. Am I missing something or does the United States have the right to have borders and let people come into this country on our terms, complying with our rules & regulations?

So essentially what they're protesting is that we don't have that right and instead they should dictate our border/immigration policies not us? On top of that they have the balls to wave their dishrag of a foreign flag demanding that Americans kowtow to it.

And then they wonder why Americans have bad feelings towards them.