Shouldn't you buy me dinner first or something?:

Gentlemen,

I am different today than I was yesterday. Something happened to me today that changed me in a profound way (and for the rest of my life).

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Oh yes we all had a good laugh when Rosco told the tale about his visit to the doctor's office back in the spring of 2008. Since his writing I'd have a passing thought here or there that someday I too would be subjected to those same events.

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Well gents, that day was today.

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Checked BP, listened to breathing, checked pulse, palpate stomach… "Okay buddy it's fun time!"

-

Here we go.

Moon river… wider than a mile… I'm crossin' you in style…

You Know It - You Love It:

Dancer was rummaging around on line and came up with this gem. I'm calling JayZ immediately after posting this...

Red Hat is a Great place to park your carcass
For a burger or a shake of them fine maracas
TEN CENT WINGS get your ass in the door
TEN BUD HEAVIES get your ass on the floor

So get here post-haste without no delayin'
Goddamn Old James'll keep the rhymes -a- sprayin'
Get a burger yes yes y'all and get some fries
Tell a few jokes, hear some tainted alibis

Put Queensryche on the jukebox
Or maybe some Rush
Eat free popcorn
And make your lady blush

At the RED HAT

One of the funniest things I've ever seen:

Sent to us by Rosco...

Good Rule:

This sign was posted at a place where a few Jake boys got together a while back and, to me, spoke volumes about the kind of establishment Jakers like to visit on occasion. Seems like there should have been a mechanical bull there didn't it? Come to think of it, this is not a bad sign to post at the house either...

All Set Thanks:

The Chag-stress has these wonderful little gel thingys that she puts on the windows for each season/holiday. The other day after one of our storms I came in from shoveling and was looking at it in disgust (over a hot chocolate). I looked at it for a good long time thinking...

I guess I don't have to tell you what I did next...

Rosco will certainly agree with me as we all remember fondly the poem he sent me last year regarding this very subject.

The Mere Cog In The Machine

This was sent to me from Dancer and is quite the blast from the past. Written by Matt Groening the creator of The Simpsons way back when they were popular (that was like the 50's or something wasn't it?). Anyway, we (Dancer and I) worked with a good many of the characters depicted here back in the day. Our favorite was always the little guy who is dead center on the page "The Mere Cog In The Machine". The real name of the "Mere Cog" at our place of employment was Shakat and he had an unpronounceable last name with no less than 18 straight consonants.

You'll have to click on the picture to be able to read them.

A Very Jake Halloween:

(click to enlarge)

Sent to us by Heff...

Well maybe in the early days but not recently.

Don't Clench:

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ THIS POST IS WRITTEN BY ROSCO }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

So there I was sitting there minding my own business. I'm in the room waiting for my doctor to give me my annual check up. I was sure we would do the same we have done for the past 16 years. Reminisce about good times, talk about my blood work, he would ask about my happiness, family, workout habits, etc. You know, he'd slyly do the ol' psycho analysis as well as the physical analysis of me. Don't worry, don't worry... I never tell people what I really think.

Then we would talk about my families’ heart problems and how I really want to outlive my Dad and Grandfather who died at 75 years of age. You guys know the routine. It was all safe, standard routine stuff.

THEN, he reminded me I was 40 now and he broke out the glove and the K.Y. Do I really need to say anymore?? I can barley remember the rest of the examination. I do recall he said I made it worse because I clenched. So, if you never listen to a word I say the rest of my life. Listen to me now..."Don't Clench".

On my way home I called my wife and Stubby for moral support. Then, as I drove, I thought about prostate exams and became relatively sure that the doctor is supposed to use his finger....... oh well.

{{{{{{{{{{{ END ROSCO'S COMMENTS }}}}}}}}}}}

I think I speak for us all when I say - Good frickin' Lord what the hell are we all in for...

Caption Contest:

Thoughtful Lance. Mirthful Lance. Two sides of a delightful coin.

A Poem For Winter:

I send this poem every winter & every winter I love re-reading it.

It's a beautiful poem and very well written.

Thought it might be a comfort to you.

It was to me.

ENJOY!

Fuck!

It's cold!

The End

(this is courtesy of Rosco who sent it via e-mail recently)

Old Heffnick:

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ IF HEFF REALLY WAS SANTA }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

yer Frend,

BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love,

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screendoor in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

_______________________________________

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum set, a pony and a tuba.

Love,

Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay; I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love,

Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

________________________________________

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend,

Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

________________________________________

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?Love,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

________________________________________

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

What whiney begging shit may work with your over-indulgent folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

________________________________________

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love,

Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house; you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Santa

Bohan in the car:

Only one word to describe this - hilarious.



You might have to hit the play button 2 times.

To The Wives!:

Here's a fun litte exchange between me and the Chag-stress the other night.

Chag-stress: "My cousin's coming over on June 19th to give me a massage."
(Editorial comment: the answer to the question you're asking yourself is, No, by the way.)

Chag: "Nice, hey - did you know that's the exact date of the very first Jake Day way back in 1992?"

Chag-stress: **blink** **blink** {{walking away to finish the dishes...}}

Chag: "Heh, heh fifteen years to the day - imagine that?"

Chag-stress (calmly): "Would you please just shut up?"

Well, I thought it was noteworthy...

House Rules:

Playdates are a fact of life now-a-days. Instead of sending your children out into the neigborhood to play (like we did when we were kids) we now have "play-dates". The mom's get together, have tea and talk about whatever and the kids hang out and play with the bazillion toys, dolls, games etc. that they have.

The good thing is I don't have to worry about who my kid is associating with and what kind of influences she is being subjected to.

The rules are posted at the house and they are universal.

What happens when you:

1) have nothing to do

2) own a sharp knife

3) have a large lime

4) own a patient cat

5) drink too much tequila and/or Carona

6) and it's football season?

Like it never happened...

Why is getting rid of old computer equipment like disposing of a dead body? Seriously, I've had an old monitor in my garage for over a year and my bride inquired as to how long it would be - you know "with us"...

I had to take the thing completely apart plastic goes in one trash box, small electronics goes in another. I had to put the big glass monitor in a separate box with styrofoam, crumpled up papers and packing peanuts. All boxes were sealed and put out for Mr. Trash Guy.

Back upstairs I say to the Chag-stress "It's all set."

Chag-stress: "what's all set?"
Chag: "the monitor - it won't give us any trouble any longer."
Chag-stress: "what do you mean?"
Chag: "I took care of it - that's all - now stop asking questions..."

If Santa was a Jake member...

...this is what he'd be doing about now.

Merry Christmas to all past, present & future Jakers & their families!

Click Here For A Side Splitter

Click right here to laugh at some cat having a bit of sport with a useless low-life telemarketer.

Of all of us, I think only Stubby could pull this off with any success.

An instant classic.

You're all Special!

From: Rosco
To: The Jake Boys
Date: Wed, 11 Oct 2006 03:21:08 +0000

Subject: To all of you!...... you're all special!

>>>>Today is…
>>>>International Disadvantaged People's Day.
>>>>Please send an encouraging message to a retarded friend, just as
>>>>I've done.
>>>>I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals, or
>>>>occasionally shit yourself.......
>>>>You hang in there, Sunshine.
>>>>You're fucking special!

Jeez, that was nice of him to think of all of us...
The only thing missing is Mel Torme singing "The Whole World Smiles With You"

Laws for Men:

Okay - we've all seen these kinds of lists but I'm running out of stuff to write so I've widdled this list (of like 25) down to what I considered to be the best 10. Have a ball...

}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

1: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

2: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask whose playing.

3: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

4: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

5: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

6: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

7: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

8: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

9: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

10: We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

“GUTS” is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”

“BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”