Stalkfleet quells the rebellion:

With only 2 days till Jake, some of the Founders have expressed both surprise and dismay at the newcommers suggestions with regard to itinerary for Jake Day.

"Why must we be inundated with this nonsense from 'extras' regarding all of their thoughts about what WE should be doing on Our Jake Day." Was a conversation overheard between 2 Founding members under condition of anonymity.

At the apex of this near riot our fearless leader had this to say...

{{{{{{...... Stalkfleet's attempt to regain control ......}}}}}}

OK, LISTEN UP!!!!

Jake 15 is slowly spiraling out of control and since i am in charge this year, it doesn't matter to me what anyone says about Fridays itinerary. This is a free country, that is why all the immigrants come here, and that is why Stubby & Rosco are allowed to have their own little off site meeting, and that is why they can have Jake 16 at Walmart next year if they want to. I believe they call it free speech. People can voice their opinions and we can choose to listen or ignore what they say. As for Tuck's comments, the content was signed off by me since he sits right next to me. As for JV, i have no control over what he decides to send out. He is digging his own grave. Now if everybody can just calm down and let Friday come along so we can all get $#@! up! I am sure the beer is going to taste the same no matter where the hell we are. Oh, by the way JV, i have to agree with Heff, you can't trash the [The Chapeau] and expect to move your way up the Jake ladder. It does not work that way.

So, with that i leave you. Stubby, i wish you a speedy recovery and hope to see you and everyone else Friday morning.

LT

Major Jake Day Development

Knock knock
Who's there?
Stubby's uvula
Stubby's uvula who?
I don't know folks...

But I do know this - Stubby Malone is questionable for Jake on account of some throat issues he's dealing with. He recently had some surgery and is recovering nicely.

Updates will follow when info becomes available.

The odds makers are scrambling as we speak to accurately handicap the team of Stubby & Hub.
Will Stubby play?
Will there be a replacement?
Does this mean Stubby will have only ice cream for dinner?

Right now I'd say he's a 50/50.

Stay tuned...

RAIN DATE:

DON'T BE FOOLISH, THERE ARE NO RAIN DATES FOR JAKE DAY.

IF THE GOLF COURSE ALLOWS PLAY, WE WILL BE PLAYING - RAIN OR SHINE.

(and to steal a phrase from the Jake 1 agenda)

IF YOU DO NOT ATTEND, THE WRATH OF JAKE WILL FOLLOW YOU...

(not to mention you're a weak gutless fag)

T - minus 4 days...

I don't follow...

My oldest daughter (7 yrs.) is so funny. She does not get sarcasm, irony, facetiousness, plays on words or jokes of any kind which to me is hilarious. Her mom bought the Pringles chips that have jokes on them and this morning she came in all excited to read me one of them.

Lil Chagger: "How do you catch a squirrel?"
Chag: "I don't know, how?"
Lil Chagger: "Climb up a tree and act like a nut!" and then she starts laughing uncontrollably because she knows jokes are funny - even if she doesn't know why.

Then she says: "Daddy, how do we act like nuts if we're just children?"

{{ blink, blink }}

So now I'm explaining to her that acting like a nut is kind of like acting silly or crazy and squirrels eat real nuts so, you see, there's 2 meanings of the word nut etc. & so forth.

Priceless.

Happy Memorial Day weekend and if you see an American soldier or veteran please thank him/her for all of us.

Speaking of Squirrels... We hear he'll be there on June 2nd. I'm not saying we have a 'warm fuzzy' but we're all very optimistic. One week till...

Go ahead, argue with me

Behold the greatest trophy in all of sports...

...and the 2nd greatest.

I'll leave it up for interpretation as to which is which.

A classic among classics:

L-R: Hub, Doc, Chag, Heff, Cool Chief, TP, Stubby, Rosco, Dancer & Lt. Stalkfleet.

It has been discussed that Jake Day is about doing some things you don't normally do. Such is the case for this moment in 1999. I mean how often do you wear underwear on the outside of your clothes and take pictures with lawn equipment? Where the hell was Squirrel? - You might ask yourself. I do not know but I wanna say he met us later in the day.

Less than 2 weeks away...

Gentlemen, a word:

I just want to say that this blog is not mine - it belongs to ALL Jake members. It's not just for me to spew 'all things Jake' upon the vast audience who frequent this site (pretty much just us). That said, if anyone has something interesting to say about any subject what-so-ever (Jake or otherwise) please don't hesitate to e-mail me personally and I will be only too happy to post it here on the site. Equally, if you see a picture from the Jake Photo Site that you want me to put up in conjunction with the text, just say the word.

If no one has anything, I'm just going to start putting up fantasy hockey statistics from the early 90's (that's interesting to everyone right?).

Heff Bio:

{{{{{{...... Submitted collaboratively by Dancer & Chag ......}}}}}}

Name – Heff (a.k.a. Yardwork, WGA, Heffer, Larry David, Mega-Man, Heff'n Reff’r, SmartRoute)
Jake Status – Co-Founder
Weight – 178 lbs.
Status – Single (and scopin' - not to be confused with scoopin')
Occupation – Sales
Golf handicap – 13 (which, ironically, is the amount of hours he works per week)
High School Picture

Heff is the personification of Jake. He lives his life as if he's still in college with no cares, no worries and zero stress. He’s a man of high morale fiber, literally. WGA has a language all his own which we refer to as Heff-speak.

Here are just a few Heff-speak words that we are all fond of:
Rollin' crib = car
Fetchy = not quite right (combination of fishy & sketchy)
SHUT UP! = What you are saying to me is not believable
Tail = pretty girls
Telephonically = some type of corny reference to telecommunications
Action = pretty girls
“Does something with clothes” = source of paternal income
The Goods = better than average (as in "you're the goods")

Heff is loaded with excuses, some of his classics are: "I've got yardwork to do" (which is how he got the nick-name), "I've got to clean the pool", "I've got a birthday party / christening / communion for one of my nieces" (he must have 10 or 12 of them). Sometimes he'll just hedge his bets and say "I'm not sure if I can make it, I might have something - why, who’s going?" You can just imagine what excuses fly when he doesn’t reach quota... He is single handedly keeping the company that makes 'Wet One's' in business by creating and developing an adult demographic. "It's like taking a mini-shower" he says after a round of golf "very refreshing"! A "Legacy Democrat" which means his family members are all Democrats and consequently he became one basically through osmosis (Some may construe this to be a mild form of brainwashing). Even 20 years of "trying to right the ship" by Chag & Rosco have not helped him see the err of his ways.

RANDOM THOUGHTS WHILE EMPTYING THE DRAWER OF A JAKE MIND:
He is a college football fanatic. He loves naps. He cleans his work van every 8 months. He does not like the sun. He has turned down more tail/action offered to him than Hugh himself. He’s like a walking CVS pharmacy – ask for any medication and he has it – on his person. Aside from being an automatic QB, he’s an exceptional athlete. He loves naps. The man is always appropriately dressed for all occasions. Never let him ride shotgun in your car. Loves the term – dude, scumbag & jerk. He’s extremely squeamish. His ice hockey shifts last only 18 seconds. He loves naps. For a man with no expenses, he never has any money – on his person. Cincinnati – ‘nuff said. He has a certain fondness for a local college, which in fact, he mistakenly claims to be alumni on his resume. He’s an erratic card player. He likes to make sure hotels don’t have bugs. The variety of foods he eats can be counted on one hand. He has struck out swinging in softball (I don’t think he’s ever paid that debt). The man knows traffic. He has no problem dropping the gloves with the ladies. The less flavor the better.

A-D-D:
The man cannot stay in one place for more than 20 consecutive seconds. He's the first one ready to "step out" but once he's out, he's looking to get the hell home. With no wife or children, Heff's time is freed up to nap at all hours of the day and golf whenever the mood strikes him. Speaking of golf, I don't know of anyone who loves golf more than the WGA. If given the choice between playing 18 and drawing his next breath he'd say "just curious, what course?"

FLORIDA:
If he’s not in his ‘rollin' crib’ or a bed, he’s there.

“THE TIE”:
It was a hot steamy June night, circa 1993. There was a slight haze in the air. Or maybe it was in our heads. A few accountants were enjoying some libations on a small open deck at a pub on the waterfront in the city, unsuspecting to the sudden turn of events. Heff was a meandering drunk on a mission. While milking a beer on the deck with other Jakers, Heff took offense to a business man’s tie. It was a fashion faux paux. Actually, it was downright criminal. Heff started out with a stray comment. He then proceeded to heckle this poor gentleman at high decibels. Finally, in utter disgust, he felt the need to take matters into his own hands. Heffer took the man’s tie off! If that wasn’t enough, he then, in one fluid motion, hurled the tie into the water below. No arguments, no fights (no one leaving the scene), just absolute laughter. His friends thought Heff’s actions were hilarious. It was almost surreal.

JAKE RESUME:
A distinguished career – There was the beer mug drop at “Blurgin Dark” that got us kicked out. There was the beer mug drop at Polyester Party Boys that nobody saw. There was the modeling of pink pig boxers in the middle of the marketplace. Last year’s racing title. He’s typically one of the last men standing and always in the middle of the action. No one person is in more Jake Day pictures.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 2) - Tossing the guy's tie in the water at the "Jail Soft" - which, by the way, is the 2nd greatest moment in Jake history (1993)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 12) Tried to drink water for a shot while everyone else had vodka - should have caught a vicious beating for that, by the way (2003)

Well it was interesting to me...

A little excitement at my house this weekend. We had a raccoon push his way through the screen door onto our back porch. He was in a box just snoozin' away (they sleep during the day you know). I went out there and unexpectedly woke him up... He was none-too-pleased with this, as you might imagine.

I tried beating his little raccoon ass with a hockey stick but I couldn't get close enough to him. I was inside the sliding glass door trying to wack at him with just the stick and my arm hanging out onto the porch (raccoons are vicious animals and not to be trifled with according to my wife). Finally I was able to tip the box over but even with that he was not very interested in leaving the premises. I figured he'd scamper out as soon as I made some noise but every time I slammed the stick down near him he'd jump at it like he wanted to fight (the bastard). I did manage to jab him between his little beady eyes but it wasn't enough to scare him off. He finally left without incident after about 45 minutes.

I'll be purchasing a new screen door in the very near future but for now the plywood I put up should keep anything else out. Interesting huh?

Moms:

Happy Mother's Day to the moms and wives of all Jake Members.

I'm sure everyone saw the study recently that detailed all the jobs they do and how much they would be compensated for those jobs in the real world.

Something like $135,000 per annum...

Who's for having them secure those jobs so we can all golf every day and still have cash left over for private nannies to look after the kids??

{{ my hand is up }}

JAKE MEMBERSHIP:

As a matter of course I think it prudent to outline the levels of membership and put forth a few guidelines for becoming a Jake Member. Starting at the bottom of course.

Junior Membership:
If someone expresses an interest in joining our group, they do this by way of “Junior Membership”. Juniors must complete a 3 year apprenticeship meaning they must participate in all aspects of Jake Day (i.e. golf/lunch/drinks/dinner/drinks). Those who are present for only some of those facets will be required to repeat their prior year. An example would be, if a new 1st year member, we'll call him (oh, I don't know) Dee, participates in golf but does not make it to say drinks or dinner or even drinks, he would be required to repeat his 1st year again. Even if someone is on their 3rd year and they miss one of the aspects of the day they would have to repeat their 3rd year the following Jake Day.

Associate Membership:
Once the apprenticeship is complete to the satisfaction of the Founders, the Junior would move up to "Associate Member" status. This is also known as "Chief" status. Here they will hone their skills and enjoy the full compliment of privileges that go along with Jake membership*.

Full (Partner) Membership:
After Associate Members, there is another level of membership reserved for only the most dedicated of individuals. People who exemplify what it truly means to embrace Jake and all he stands for. It takes years of service and perseverance. By a majority vote, only the Founders have the ability to elevate someone from Associate to Partner and it's only happened once so far. This is something to strive for gentlemen. It's not to be taken lightly and it's not for the squeamish.

Founding Members:
The original 9 who gathered that fateful day on the 19th of June 1992 (Jake 1).
~ Dancer ~ Heff ~ Rosco ~ Stubby ~ Chag ~
~ Doc ~ Lt. Stalkfleet ~ Hub ~ Squirrel ~

Good luck gentlemen, good luck and Godspeed.

* = in reality there are no real privileges to being a Jake member.

Definition:

Direct from Webster's:

Brief: short in duration, extent, or length*.

Antonym:

* Please refrain from the obvious sexual connotation/comparison here folks, you'll only encourage him.

Stubby Bio:

{{{{{{{{........ Submitted mostly by Rosco ........}}}}}}}}

Name - Stubby Malone (a.k.a. Stubby, The Shovel, Hey you!, Phil, Bob)
Jake Status - Founding Member
Weight -180 lbs.
Status - Married, 2 children (1 girl, 1 boy)
Occupation - Something in Sales
Golf handicap - 15
High School Picture

INTRODUCTION:
Extra, extra read all about it! All the girls are mental retarded (I thought that rhymed when I was a kid). That stupid line is something Stubby would never say. He is what you call a ladies man. By that I mean, he would wake up every morning from the age of 14 to 38 and say to himself -self- "what girl am I going to meet today"? And that, my friends is how Stubby and I became great friends. After all, great minds think alike. If only we thought with our minds. Of course, we had other things in common like good looks, charm, intelligence and superior athletic abilities but it was our fondness of and I might be so bold to add, our ability to conquer the fairer sex. I know that right about now Mrs. Stubby is laughing her ass off. But the indisputable facts remain, he was younger, shorter and in worse shape than her, but he still brought home the goods. That's right Hinezy, he had the tools and he had the talent. Welcome to Stubby's bio.

IN THE BEGINNIG AN ONLY CHILD:
Stubby was one of those full-blooded Italian kids that went through puberty at age 6. He was the kind of friend that it was ok to leave alone with your dog, as long as your dog was a male and quick. Stub was and (although he says he has close stepsiblings and cousins) still is an only child. He hates when I bring this up but what are friends for? There have been studies done on ‘only children’ to see if they would have been happier with or without other siblings. Well, Stub always thought he would be happier with a sibling. Not because he was lonely but because he was the ultimate selfish only child and he wanted a sibling so he could blame them for all the shit he did to his poor parents. Yes, another friend of mine that is a selfish bastard. What do I mean you say? I will tell you a story and you be the judge.

SHORT STORY:
One time I was eating over Stub's house. His mom made some nice chicken cutlets. Stub's mom is Italian and she doesn't just make chicken cutlets, she makes NICE chicken cutlets. "Here honey, have some nice cutlets". Anyway, we are chowing away after a long day of wiffleball in his backyard (my lifetime record against him is 2,051 wins and 850 loses) and I look up from my plate to see the stubsta snaggin’ the last piece of ‘nice’ cutlets with his fork. As he lowers it to his plate, my survival instincts of being one of five children kicks in. "Hey! What the hell are you doing!?" He is totally clueless. So I took the liberty of welcoming him into a family with more than one child. "I hope your planning on cutting that bad boy in half". So, he says, "oh, I'm sorry. I never had to share before". Sixteen years old and never had to share before? Spoiled son-of-a-bitch. So that day, he rationalized he would have to share food if he had siblings and he realized being an only child was quite all right by him.

FAMILY:
Stub has a wonderful family. He has the above-mentioned wife and two children. Yes, two children. It is ok for him to be an only child but not good enough for his children. Stub married a stunning girl who was and still is an aerobics instructor. It was one of the requirements he set for his future wife while in college watching Denise Austin tapes. He wore those tapes out as I recall and never lost a pound. I wonder what that was about? Anyway, Hinezy (his wife) was a catch. Good looking, good mother, good singer but not very funny :). Hey, you can't have it all. I know, two shots at his wife already and I can't promise to stop there. If you knew her you’d know she can take it. As a matter of fact, I think she likes it.

KIDS:
I would like to write a lot of funny stuff about his kids because I love them so but there is not much to say. They are two of the best kids ever created. They are smart, well behaved, always up for having fun and good athlete's too. You see it coming right? Here it comes… Ready? Nice work Hinezy! Thank God your genes took over.

GRADE SCHOOL:
Malone was a gifted child in the classroom. In elementary school is was admitted into the “major works program”. They covered up the program by saying it was to challenge the kids that were educationally gifted but what it really was, was a program to get the smart kids away from the riff raff. A snob factory, if you will. And Stubby was a snob. Still is. Well, you were probably part of the riff raff and I will try to make you feel better now. I knew two kids in ‘major works’ and both were lucky to get through college. I will explain Stubby's plight in a moment.

HIGH SCHOOL:
Stub was a stud in high school not only with the women but with guys, faculty and nuns as well. He had and still has the personality to talk a dog off a meat wagon. He makes you think he likes you as he prays for the nearest truck to come along and plow you away. That's why he is performing quite well in the sales industry today.

Stub was a master. He would control a room full of people on jocularity alone. Everyone loved him. The jocks, the smart kids, the dregs, dweebs et al. He never had to worry about the tough kids stuffing him in a locker because he always kept them in stitches. However, he never saw the need to joke me out of one of my many fights. What was up with that? Oh yeah… selfish.

One time we were in a religious class/meeting. Our instructor was a sister/nun. She said God was with us but I noticed he never signed the sign-in sheet. I joke about God because I am very, very religious but all my friends think you have to go to church to be religious. I bet I say more prayers in a week than they do in a month. But I digress. Anyway, we are in this class and being real serious and open in the discussion and Stub as usual is leading the discussion (kiss ass). Somewhere in the middle of class the nun gives an example about friendship and says "my good friend Phil dresses impeccably", referring to Stubby but Phil is not Stubs real name. As I write this I realize it isn't very funny but that day as high schooler's we all lost it like nothing funnier has ever happened in the world. Wow, were we stupid. Not only did Stub have a way with the female faculty but with the male faculty as well. So much so that he almost ended up in the ‘residence’ taking an oral exam if you catch my drift…

Discussion topics: Is Stubby's real name Phil? Was Stubby impeccably dressed and what was he wearing? Why was a nun noticing how a young high school boy is dressed? Was she hot for pupil? Should we be happy it was not a male teacher noticing Stub's dressing ability? Explain.

COLLEGE:
Stubby is a man among men but he would like to be a man among women. It was College that gave him that chance he was looking for. It was the first time since we discovered sex that we were in a classroom with women as we went to an all boys high school. Well let’s just say Stubb's grades plummeted into my comfort zone of a 2.8 GPA. Welcome Stubby. So you are thinking that we would eventually get used to the girls in our class with long crossed legs in short skirts and focus on schoolwork. Well, you would be wrong. We still can't do it to this day. It is who we are and it is why Stubby and I are still great friends. The movie said, "we’ll always have Paris", but Stub and I, "we’ll always have women".

In the end it was not actually the women in class that brought Stub down. It was the women out of class that convinced him that there were better ways to spend his time than at an institute of higher education. Although, as I recall, he did get quite an education. This education undoubtedly helped him close the deal with Mrs. Stubby. And while he was "studying", I was left attending classes and providing him my notes. Essentially, I carried him through 2 years of college and he has not thanked me to this day. Of course, I did bring his GPA way down.

CAREERS:
Stub is in the hardwood flooring industry. He has faired well and makes a decent living. He is one of those cases of "he’s got a day time job, he's doing alright". Guess the song and artist I took that line from. He is not a leader by choice if he wanted to he could be a great one. He just has to conquer those two small hurdles of not liking people and not giving a shit.

Stub started his career in the food industry as most young men do. He was a hell of a bagger and shelf stocker but a funny thing happened on the way to the break room. He forgot to pay for the chips... Oh wait… I mean he stole them and got fired. They interrogated him in the back room but he didn't roll over on anyone. He is a man of character when snitching is involved but stealing was apparently quite appropriate. After his illustrious career in the retail food industry he moved on to become a delivery boy for a pathology company. Pathology is "the medical science concerned with all aspects of disease with an emphasis on the essential nature, causes, and development of abnormal conditions, as well as with the structural and functional changes that result from disease processes." Let me sum his duties up for you. He drove diseased body parts from one doctor's office to another. As this job proved, George Jefferson had nothing on the Stubster. He was moving on up… sing it with me.

He had stints in other industries. He tried his hand as a photographer but quit the second he realized he would never get the Playboy job. He had a seasonal construction gig in college that allowed him to make $20 per hour as a college kid, which was big money in those days. How did he get that job you ask? Good question. Was it his skills? His looks? His work ethic? Nope, nope and nope. Stub has two "uncles" with mob connections. That's how he got it. He denies it to this day and I was never actually able to prove it but the lack of evidence is the reason I knew they were part of "the family". They covered things very well and only took care of their own. Even I, his pseudo brother could not convince them to hook me up with the seasonal high paying, highly converted construction job. They would have owed too much and "favors" are only done for "family"(please say "the family" like Marlon Brando in the Godfather. It adds better effect.) Anyway, I am not sure how they did this and it throws a kink into my accusation of mob ties but they broke ties with "the family" without losing their lives. It was either the fact that the FBI finally cracked down and put most of "the family" away or…. Or…. They are still in "the family!" I knew it!!

REAL FAMILY:
You already know about his wife and kids but Stubb has other family. He has two uncles, two aunts, a mother, a father, a stepmother, three step siblings and according to local legend 4,581 close cousins. But I have been friends with him for over 20 years and I have never met any of his "cousins". For the record, his uncles, Aunts and parents are some of the best people in the world.

CHAG CLOSES:
My arm is tired and I am honored to allow Chag to add his input to Stubby's bio as they are close pals as well. All Jaker's are close. We are... As Stubby would say… "family". Just don't ask for a favor or the last chicken cutlet.

{{{{{{...... In closing, submitted by Chag ......}}}}}}

Thanks Mashie – I’ll keep it brief (how could it be anything but?)

What else is there to say? Except a few things that probably only Stubby and I would appreciate:

Yeah! Just don’t hit me as hard as you hit the gorilla; Banker vs. Gasman; I’m getting a whiff of bowel; The right way to eat a roast beef sandwich; Black max & White lightning; Wait for it!; Scallops wrapped in bacon (oh, wait that was Rosco); You want another? Right there that’s another one pal; I’ll take it!; 5150 & OLG; The ‘quad’; Richie!!!!; Ice T shotgun; Breaking into my own car in order to extricate your drunk ass; The puddles at Zayre's parking lot; on the downstairs couch; I seam to be down to bills and uh...; Smooched a gay kid on New Years Eve (full on the mouth).

I'm sure there's a million more but brief was the goal.

In closing (really), Stubby is one of those cats who you can sit and talk to for hours about everything and nothing all at the same time. Rosco's right, he's a natural sales guy. A quality linkster who likes to bullshit us into believing he doesn't swing'em much and/or he's not a playa. We know better. We know the truth. We know he plays more rounds of golf with clients than Cool Chief has dollars in his pocket.

GREAT JAKE MOMENT: (Jake 2001-2005) Best dressed (Jake 10-14)

JAKE LOW-LIGHT: (Jake 1-14) Never even sniffed the end of Jake (1992-2005)

Who is that girl?

Here we have another Jake 1 classic picture with (L-R) Stubby, forgive me I can’t remember who that girl is, Doc, Rosco & Squirrel.

This was at the place where we had lunch after golf. Beautiful stuff - mid-day, you’ve got the lunch crowd wondering what the hell these idiots are doing ordering up pitchers by the bushel. That reminds me, one of my favorite parts of Jake Day is watching for the reaction of "normal" people when they see us either in the street or in an establishment where they are trying to have an average Friday lunch/conversation. In come 12-15 of us being childish, juvenile, sophmoric (i.e. Jimmy PC - from Hub's bio). I call it "when Jake Day collides with other people’s normal day". This has a certain Seinfeld, "worlds colliding" type-effect, very entertaining.

Who has Jake?

This question is invariably asked every year. Every year we figure he's lost or broken and lying in the gutter somewhere but he shows up on Jake Day without fail. He's traveled the country side and survived the odd relocation while in one cat's possession or another but he always makes it out with us.

Unlikely but, anyone want to fess up?

Message to the Chief:

{{{{{{{{........ Submitted by Heff ........}}}}}}}}

"Almost" all of us went to Doc's for a birthday-cookout on Sunday with our families. Had some fun. While we were there we all discussed the possiblity of Cool Chief becoming a "Full" member but considering he didn't show up I guess that's not going to happen... He'll have to do some fancy shmancy drinking on Jake 15 to even be considered.

Stubby & Hub are the team to beat this year according to... Stubby & Hub.